Secrets I
Debra Fran Baker
We walked into the station as if nothing had happened
the night before, or at least I hoped we looked that way.
Man, I was not ready for what that particular closed society
would say if they knew that James Ellison had finally
succumbed to my, er, charms and took me into his bed. I
didn't know why Jim didn't seem worried. Not then. I did
notice that Simon looked unhappy, but the captain was always
unhappy about *something.*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It took me totally by surprise. I mean, I'd been
lusting after the big guy since the first time I'd seen him.
You wouldn't think that a little guy like Blair Sandburg
would have it in for muscle types. Honestly, I wasn't. I'd
gone for the nerd type when I went for guys. But there he
was, and he just took my breath away. God, those blue eyes
and that chest...and there was a brain under that crew cut,
too, and a heart under that chest.
So, he was probably the straightest man in the universe
and I was in major lust. Okay, I can deal. I can go out
strictly with women so he doesn't even suspect I swing both
ways. I *like* the ladies, so it wasn't exactly a
sacrifice. Only, I couldn't really commit to any of them.
That bothered him. Jim values loyalty, I figured. So why
didn't *he* stick with one lady? I wasn't thinking.
I don't know when it was I fell in love with him.
Maybe I started out that way - some weird Sentinel-Guide
thing designed to keep the two of them together. I do know
that by the time I became a shaman, I was doing my best to
stay in his life. I was even delaying my dissertation, for
God's sake. I had to, because every time I thought about
leaving him, I felt like I couldn't breathe. He was my life
now.
Okay, I could deal with this, too. I thought. It
wasn't easy, but I could deal. He seemed to want me around,
even when we fought over Cassie. Now that was just dumb.
She's become one of the guys now, and I like her better for
that.
So, anyway, that night we were watching the game and I
was sort of pretending to grade papers, and really watching
him just breathe. Oh, yeah. I had it so bad. I mean, I
never watched a woman breathe. And then, since he's
watching the game so closely it was almost a zone, I stop
pretending. I figure he wouldn't notice. Right. Sure. He
was a sentinel.
The commercial comes on, and Jim looks at me.
Actually, he looks at my pants.
"So, Chief, how long are you going to wait?"
I swallowed and looked around and, well, down. "Wait
for what, Jim?"
"We've been living together how long? And you've been
holding out on your dissertation, and it can't be for love
of paperwork and it can't be because you get off on Simon
yelling at you. And right now, you look good enough to
eat."
Me? Look good? I was wearing a faded shirt over a
ratty t- shirt and torn jeans, my hair was pulled back and I
was wearing my glasses. Jim, now - he was dressed to kill
me. Everything blue, everything tight and everything
gorgeous. And everything at attention, too.
"Why...why now?"
"Because you're as beautiful as an angel. Because I
looked at you and all I want to do is take off your glasses
and untie your hair. Because I finally caught you staring
at me, and I saw what was in your eyes. And I'm tired of
waiting for the right time to tell you. There was always a
girl somewhere, or a case, or you were hurt or my senses
were acting up or you had exams to grade or something. So
I'm going to seize the night."
"Carpe Noctem." I don't know how I got it out.
"Yeah..." And the next thing I know, there are these
incredibly strong arms wrapped around me and I'm being
kissed within an inch of my life. And I'm giving as good as
I'm getting, too. Maybe it could have been more romantic,
but who needs romance? I had Jim.
He doesn't carry me upstairs or anything, but ten
minutes later, we're in his bed and I get to look at that
body all I want because he's staring at mine as if it were
some combination of teddy bear and sex toy, and I am so
turned on by that and by all those sculptured muscles. And
I've never been into muscles, but God, Jim was perfect.
God-like.
And then he's on me. He's kissing and licking and
touching and stroking and sniffing me. I can tell he has
his senses on full, and that is so arousing, but it's scary,
too. The last thing I wanted or needed was for Jim to zone
out on me! But he doesn't. He stays in control. I go
crazy - he's everywhere.
Then there is his mouth on my penis, and he knows
exactly what to do, which can only mean one thing but I
can't get my mind around it. Of course, my mind wasn't
exactly functional then.
Then he pulls away and I moan, and he has this amazing
smile. "Oh, baby. Yes, moan for me. Let me hear you, let
me hear that beautiful voice. Talk to me, baby."
I can't really form words at this point, but I can say
his name. "Jim....God, Jim....Oh..."
"Yeah. That's it." He started stroking me. "I want
you, baby. In me, all the way in me. I got you in my
heart, I want you in my body." I swear my mind totally
stopped functioning right then. Never, never in a million
wet dreams did I think that macho Jim liked it on the
bottom. But, hey, if he wanted it, who was I to deny him.
Except...
"Uh, Jim, I'm sort of, well, you know..."
"Hung? That's a plus. Look in the night stand."
There was a tube of lube. A half-used tube. Why did Jim
need...my mind was still reeling. I mean, it was turning
somersaults. No condoms, though. Jim seemed to sense that.
"I need to *feel* you." That nearly sends me over
right then, but Jim has a firm hold on my penis, until he
turns over and presents that perfect rear to me and my
delectation. I start kissing his back and those glutes,
tonguing my way into the cleft and making *him* moan. "Oh,
baby, oh Blair, give it to me now!"
I lube up my fingers and start to stretch him. It's
easier than I expected, and he just keeps moaning. And I
can't wait much longer anyway. I cover myself with the gel
and pack more inside of him and then I begin to push my way
in. I was going to be gentle. I know I can hurt someone
and I would never want to hurt Jim. But...
"Harder, baby! Let me feel it! You can't hurt me,
Blair...harder!" And so I push harder and harder and then
I'm in and it's so incredible. I've made love with guys
before, and I've been top before, but nothing ever felt like
this. He gripped me with those muscles, I swear! I reach
under him and find his own weeping penis, and pull on it as
hard as I could. He likes that - I could tell even though
he's not using words any more. He's *growling* instead, and
it's the hottest thing I've ever heard. That and the way he
moved made me feel like I was in bed with a wild cat, the
panther totem he told me about.
And then he explodes all over the bed and takes me
along with him. I collapse on his back and then onto the
bed and he rolls over to face me. We start to kiss. Now
he's gentle and sweet, like all the urgency is gone. Years'
worth of urgency sprayed all over the bed. And it's good.
"I love you, Blair. I love you more than I do life
itself."
I can't believe he actually said the words. They lodge
themselves in my heart like no other words ever have. I
move closer to him.
"I love you too, Jim. You *are* my life." And then,
well, we're guys. We fall asleep holding on to each other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So it's the next morning and we're going into the
station, and maybe it's written all over our faces, or maybe
Jim's walking a little funny, or maybe we don't realize that
we can't keep our hands off each other, but Simon takes one
look at us and he knows everything. Well, he's the captain,
and he's supposed to know everything. But he doesn't look
happy, and he does look worried, and for some reason he's
looking at *me*, not at Jim and me, and I have no idea
what's up. All I know is that I was on top of the world
until then.
He walks over to us and gives Jim a warning look, but
all he does is hand over a case file and doesn't say
anything else.
Copyright 1998 Debra Fran Baker and NightRoads Associates
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