Secrets II
"What are you so nervous about, Chief?" Jim Ellison
was infuriatingly calm as he sat waiting in his truck.
"What am I nervous about? Jim, did we or did we not
sleep together last night?" Blair Sandburg dropped his bags
yet again as he tried to get in.
"I'm not likely to forget it. It was the best night
of my life." His face glowed.
Blair nearly dropped his bags again at the sight.
Man, he could repeat the whole thing right now if he had the
chance. "Mine, too, big guy. I still don't understand why
you just dropped it on me out of the blue like that, but I'm
glad you did." He finally made it into the truck.
"Time was right, I guess. Either that, or we were
both fools for waiting so long."
"Hey, I had no clue that you swung my way - and I
made sure you didn't know about me. But to get back to the
subject at hand...Why am I nervous about going into the
station today of all days? Because I just know that as soon
as we walk in, everyone is going to find out exactly what we
did last night, and that is going to be terrible."
"Why?" Jim started the engine.
"Why what? Why will they know? Because the harder
you try to keep a secret, the more people find out. And why
will it be terrible? A macho society like a police station?
We're asking to be ostracized at the very least. They'll
draw big red O's on our faces."
"Hold on, Chief. I think you're reaching here. I
for one don't plan on keeping it a secret. And I don't
think they could tell by looking."
"What if they can?"
"Then someone is going to win a bet somewhere.
Blair, there have been rumors about us since the day you
moved in with me."
"And you never told me this?"
"They weren't true until now, they didn't bother me
and I didn't see any reason to make you feel more
uncomfortable around the station. Besides, most of them
just sounded jealous of me. Hell, I was jealous of me then.
Don't worry about it."
"I *am* worried. I'm going to worry until we get
through the day. This is going to be terrible." Jim just
smiled.
Blair knew he was right about one thing. As soon as
they walked in, people seemed to realize what had happened.
It had to be written on their foreheads or something,
because they didn't walk in any differently than usual -
close together, Jim's hand on his back. He'd gotten so used
to that.
The reactions were like nothing he'd expected,
though. People looked at them, and nodded. Some even
smiled at each other. Rafe and Taggert exchanged money in a
corner. Blair actually relaxed for a moment as they walked
to Jim's desk. Then he noticed something odd.
The same people who'd smiled were now looking at Jim
with, not hostility, but a sort of a challenge - and at
Blair with worry. Why were they worried? Jim faced them
all down, but Blair could see he was getting upset.
"Jim? What's going on?"
"Nothing, Chief. Some people just can't mind their
own business." And that's all he said. He just shoved some
paperwork at Blair with a smile and got to work himself, but
that didn't last long. Simon, a scowl on his face, was
walking towards them. Blair waited for the captain to say
something, but Simon remained resolutely quiet. He just
glared at Jim, and only at Jim, as he handed over a file
folder. Jim just calmly looked back as he accepted it.
Blair watched as Simon, shaking his head, walked back to his
office.
"Jim?"
"Blair, this will all blow over. Let's look at the
case."
"I can't. Simon's looking daggers and the other
guys are just as upset and none of them are looking at me
and all of them are looking at you and you expect me to
concentrate on a bunch of burglaries?"
"Blair, calm down."
"I'm just worried that we'll go down to the truck
and find that someone's put 'Faggots' on it or something.
This was so stupid. I knew that this would be a problem, I
knew it."
"Chief, stay me on this one. It is not a problem.
No one here is going to hurt you. I wouldn't let them.
Look, we're in love, right?"
Blair smiled at that one. He couldn't help it.
Just hearing the words made him feel good. Scared, but
good. "Yeah. Okay. And you don't want to hide it?"
Jim shook his head. "No way, buddy. I'm proud of
you, baby. I'm not hiding *this* from anyone."
"Ellison! In my office, now! Alone." Simon's
voice boomed across the room. Jim shrugged and gave Blair a
pat on the shoulder.
"I'll be back soon. You start studying this, okay,
Chief?" Blair nodded reluctantly.
Jim walked into the office. Blair found himself
wishing for Jim's hearing, or at least the ability to read
lips. All he could do was watch the drama through the
unshaded glass walls. He and the rest of the Major Crimes
unit could watch the drama, but they all seemed to know what
was going on.
Simon fired off a question to Jim, who answered him
calmly. Simon asked another, but with the air of repeating
something. Jim answered again. Then Simon seemed to shout.
Jim backed down. They both began to talk more calmly, and
then Jim smiled. They continued to talk, with Simon taking
deep breaths and looked extremely serious. At one point,
Jim blushed. Then Simon seemed to be lecturing, which Jim
took almost meekly. Finally, Simon smiled and opened his
office door.
"Sandburg! Get your butt in here!"
Just in time, too, before Blair died of curiosity.
Simon seated himself calmly behind his desk, so Jim
took the chair in front of it, and Blair just stood.
"Gentlemen. It seems the two of you have begun a
new phase of your relationship."
"Jim?"
"He figured it out all by himself, Chief."
"It doesn't take a detective to see it. Now, I want
both of you - yes, including you, Sandburg - to be quiet
until I finish what I have to say. Got it?" They nodded.
"Good. You are not the first pair of partners I've
had who've become lovers. I've dealt with this sort of
situation before."
"Simon..."
"What did I say? Be quiet, Ellison. My policy is
the same for straight couples as for gay couples, so don't
start claiming discrimination. You know I don't do that."
Jim nodded. Blair looked both apprehensive and relieved.
He quivered with the effort of staying still.
"It's been my experience that lovers usually do not
make effective partners. They are too distracted by each
other, and make stupid mistakes. They also tend to be
reckless - either proving their 'manhood' or in trying to
help the other. My normal policy is to congratulate them
and then reassign them. Always different partners, but when
possible different departments. This doesn't always help
the relationships, but it keeps them good cops, and that's
my highest priority." Simon sat back for minute.
"Captain, Blair and I are..."
"This is not a normal..." The two other men
stopped. Simon was grinning.
"This *is* not a normal situation. Sandburg isn't a
cop, so I wouldn't have to even transfer him. I could
rescind his privileges very easily. But that would cost me
two good men. Wouldn't it?" He looked straight at Jim, who
nodded. Blair's eye's widened.
"Not to mention that you two have been in love with
each other since the day you met. It just took you this
long to act on it. Okay. Here's my decision for the
moment. You two are on probation. While you are on duty, I
expect you to pay attention to your duties and not to each
other's ... charms." To Blair's surprise, Jim turned beet-
red. "You are to act professionally, or as professionally
as ever, in the station. No public displays of affection.
Keep the lover's quarrels at home as much as you ever do.
Take advantage of the fact that you actually live together
already. And be *safe*." Jim nodded emphatically at that
last.
"Thank you, Captain."
"I'm taking a risk here. Don't let me down."
"We won't, Simon. Jim and I will behave."
"Get out of here, both of you. You have work to
do."
And that was that, so far as the station was
concerned. Blair was rather surprised at that. He knew of
no other openly gay officers, although he'd suspected a
couple were. For that matter, while he had not worked up
the courage to ask about it yet, it was obvious from the
night before that Jim was experienced with gay sex. And
this shocked Blair to his bones. He'd been going out only
with women for years, but he did have an eye for the
gentlemen, and he was generally good at placing people along
the gay-straight spectrum.
Then again, Jim did confuse the issue. One minute,
he'd be parading around in only a towel or touching Blair,
or just staring at him, the next he'd be scolding or running
off with some woman or just giving off these macho vibes.
Blair had never really had any idea of where Jim was. He'd
just assumed (stupid, stupid thing to do) that as a cop and
an ex-soldier, not to mention as a formerly married man, Jim
was straight.
There was a pair of bright blue eyes staring at him,
over an equally bright smile. Blair felt warm all over.
"Hey, angel. What are you thinking about?"
"How lucky I am. And that if you don't stop looking
at me like that, we'll be violating Simon's no PDA edict."
"That's going to be the hardest part of this deal.
When do you have to go to the university today?"
"Not until this afternoon for office hours. Do you
want to take me there or do you want to take me to my car?"
"I'll take you there. And pick you up and take you
out to dinner."
"Sounds good to me, Jim." And they were back to the
case files.
Blair could hardly concentrate on his students that
afternoon. All he could think about was the evening and
what Jim had planned for them.
Jim came by about six. Blair was at his desk
working on some papers. Before he could stand up, Jim was
kneeling by his chair and enfolding him in his arms. He
began nuzzling Blair up and down his neck, punctuating that
by kisses. Blair just melted into it.
"My cuddly angel. I've wanted to do just this for
so long."
"You don't have to stop anytime soon, big guy."
Blair felt safe and loved in Jim's arms. He knew as well as
he knew himself that Jim would always keep him safe.
Dinner was pizza and beer and long looks across the
table. It was comfortable and normal and that was a relief
to Blair. He didn't think he'd like it if Jim suddenly got
romantic on him.
The apartment was full of candles. Jim went around
and lit all of them and then dimmed the lights while Blair
stood amazed.
"Jim?"
"Got you speechless, Chief?" Blair just nodded.
"Good. I wanted it beautiful for you. We were in
too much of a hurry last night, so I want to remember this
night as the way it should have been. Angel." He stepped
behind Blair and wrapped his arms around him.
"Angel?"
"Yeah. My beautiful angel, sent by heaven to guide
me and be with me and take away the loneliness. You've been
my angel for a long time, Blair. I just couldn't say it out
loud."
Blair smiled and leaned back into his lover. He
bent his head back and kissed Jim's neck. Jim nuzzled the
top of Blair's head and kissed his hair. He turned Blair
around and somehow they forgot all about the differences in
their heights as their kiss began and deepened. Blair felt
safe and warm and at home in Jim's arms. He'd never been so
happy.
They broke apart and smiled at each other, and then,
wordlessly, Jim led Blair back upstairs. There were more
candles in the loft. Jim silently lit them while Blair
turned down the bed and turned out the lights. Then, as
Blair stood trembling, like a bridegroom on his wedding
night, Jim undressed him. Shirt after shirt fell quietly to
the ground until Blair was wearing only his jeans and the
cord binding his hair.
Jim stopped for a moment. He looked almost shy.
Then he began to stroke Blair's chest, running his fingers
through the dense curls, teasing his nipples with his finger
tips. Blair had never seen such rapture in his face. Jim
seemed to be lost in the textures of Blair's body. Was he
zoning?
No. Jim knelt in front of him, still joyful and
shy, and began to remove Blair's boots and socks, lifting
each leg in turn as Blair leaned on his shoulders. His
hands were surprisingly clumsy when he undid the tight
jeans, but so gentle when he slid them and the underwear
down Blair's legs and off.
Blair stood, naked and needful, facing Jim, who,
fully dressed, was on his knees in front of him. Just
thinking about it made Blair shiver. To his surprise, Jim
reached into his pocket and pulled out a condom, which he
rolled onto Blair's penis. Then Jim took it into his mouth
and Blair was utterly lost. He could feel Jim smelling him,
touching him with his tongue, stroking his testicles with
gentle, knowledgeable fingers and he moaned.
Soon, too soon, he climaxed. Jim's strong hands
held him steady until the spasms stopped, and then let him
fall to his own knees. And there was Jim, sitting back on
his knees and smiling and looking at him with utter
amazement.
"I don't have the words to tell you how you look
now, but I will never forget it." Jim leaned forward and
kissed him, letting Blair taste himself. Then he sat back
again.
Blair took off Jim's sweater and T-shirt quickly,
needing to see Jim's muscular chest, to feel it against his
own. Jim seemed to sense that, because as soon as he was
bare he pressed his body against Blair's. Blair sighed at
the contact, and wrapped his arms as far as they would go
around Jim's body.
"I love you." Blair's words were muffled by Jim's
chest.
"I love you, too, Angel." Jim stood and took Blair
with him. He swiftly removed the rest of his clothes and
drew Blair onto the bed with him. He was rock hard velvet
and Blair knew exactly what was going to happen next. He
became as aroused he had been before Jim's mouth had taken
him.
Once again, Jim's mouth was everywhere, teasing and
tasting and learning Blair's body. He brought Blair to the
edge again, but this time did not bring him over. Instead,
he brought out the lube and more condoms. Blair looked at
them.
"We were too fast last time. I think we should
stick with these for awhile."
Blair nodded. He wanted to feel Jim bare inside of
him, but this was not something to play with. He lay back
in the bed and brought his knees up.
Jim knelt on the bed between Blair's knees.
"You don't know how that looks, baby. You just
don't know."
"Want to take pictures?"
Jim smiled. "Then I'd never get any work done." He
began to prepare Blair, slowly, gently while Blair writhed
in pleasure around his fingers.
And then Jim was filling him, and Blair felt whole.
Without the urgency and the novelty of the night before
distracting him, he could just give himself up to sensation.
And so he did, until both finished and Jim lay panting on
top of him.
They lay like that for a while, then Jim moved to
the bed next to Blair and held him close. It was magical -
the glow of the candles was dimmed by the glow of lovemaking
and by Jim's bright eyes. Magic doesn't last forever,
though, and the night was early.
"Want to watch the game?"
"Sure. I need to get some grading done, but I can
do both."
Just another night downstairs on the couch, except
that it wasn't. They didn't normally tangle their legs
together or use commercials as an excuse to kiss, but they
couldn't keep from touching each other. Blair could get
used to this being normal, though. Maybe the candlelight
was a little much, but it was nice, too.
The Jags won just to make the evening perfect. By
then it was late enough to go to sleep. Where was Blair
going to sleep?
"Chief, don't even think you're going back to that
room. I've already moved your clothes to our loft."
"Our loft. That sounds so good."
"Yeah. Let's go." They blew out the candles.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blair could see Simon smiling at them across the
bullpen. He wasn't surprised. The gamble had paid off.
The last six months had gone extremely well in terms of
police work. Yes, Jim was a little overprotective, but he'd
always been that way. The cases got solved and neither had
seen the inside of an emergency ward in weeks, which had to
be some kind of record. Heck, Jim wasn't even dropping his
gun!
And both of his dissertations were working. He'd
gotten a grant that let him do his research full time
without teaching (although he missed that part of the job)
and he found he had enough information both on Sentinels and
on the police station that he could write two. His advisor
thought he was insane, but both topics were too good to let
go. Besides, Blair was secretly worried that he'd
compromised something with his relationship with Jim.
And then there was Jim. Blair smiled to himself.
Every night for the last six months, unless Jim was out on a
stakeout and didn't want Blair along for some reason, Blair
had slept in his arms and woken up to Jim's smile. It was
more than just good sex, it was hugs at odd moments, even in
public. It was the times he'd had nightmares and Jim
soothed him back to sleep. It was stealing kisses while
watching television, and long camping weekends where they'd
made love under the stars.
It was the way Jim treated Naomi like a mother-in-
law - he even called her that to her face. To Blair's
confusion, she liked it. She was even willing to design a
wedding ceremony for them, but Jim said he didn't want one.
He didn't need a ceremony to tell him he was committed.
Blair didn't know how to take that but he didn't want to
think about marriage anyway.
Life was *good*. There was even real sunshine
outside for a wonder.
Jim walked into the bullpen. There was absolutely
no expression on his face. He didn't look at Blair at all.
He just walked straight to Simon's office and knocked.
Simon shouted "Enter!" and he disappeared. He even closed
the blinds.
Blair couldn't stand the wait. He kept bouncing up
and down, trying to listen and wishing he were a Sentinel
himself. The others just looked at him and smiled.
"Blair? Could you come in here, please?"
Something was wrong. Something was very wrong.
Simon was being polite and quiet. Blair practically ran to
the office.
Jim's eyes were red. Why were Jim's eyes red?
"Sit down, Blair. Jim has something to tell you."
Blair sat.
Jim started to pace. He was holding two pieces of
paper, crushing them in his hands.
"Blair, before I tell you this, you have to
know....I love you."
"I love you, too. What's going on?"
"These...these are our latest blood tests. Chief,
I'm...HIV positive."
"What! There has to be some mix-up! No way."
"He was tested twice, Sandburg. There's no doubt.
And his viral count is high."
"But...how? What's my...my status?"
"Here." Blair took the paper. Negative. He sat
back in relief. Then it came to him.
"If I'm negative and Jim's positive...how?"
"I hate to ask, but have you two been careful?"
"Yes, of course. I mean, I knew I was clean and I
thought...I thought Jim was clean, but it only makes sense."
"You should see our condom expenses, Simon."
"I'm not in the mood, Jim. Not now. Jim, tell him
the truth. If you don't, I will. Remember our agreement
six months ago?"
"Yeah. I'll tell him."
"Tell me what? Jim? Captain?"
"I'll leave you two alone. Blair, if you need to
talk to someone later, I'm around." And he was gone.
The room was too silent. Jim just stood there,
crushing the medical printouts.
"Tell me what? Jim?"
Jim rubbed his hands over his face. "You're
negative. I'm positive. What do you think?"
"That you were never as straight as you made me
think? I knew that. I'd guessed that months ago."
"You did?"
"Hey, you kissed me first, and you let me top first
and I could tell right then that you'd done this before."
"Oh, Angel. I'm sorry." Jim knelt next to Blair's
chair.
"Don't worry about it, Jim. We'll get you through
this. Sickness and health, remember?"
"We're not married and that's not in your ceremony
anyway."
"You're sick. I'll help. I love you. Whatever
happened before we got involved, it's okay now."
"Yeah, well. I have to tell you everything. I've
been doing the bars for years. It started in college and I
didn't stop in the Army, either. I'd go, pick some guy up -
the bigger and uglier, the better - and let him use me. Or
I'd use him. I'd get off on the danger. All the kinds of
danger - the guy, the bar, the fact that I could lose my job
and, later, that no one wanted to use a condom. I must have
gotten six kinds of VD over the years."
"How could you be so stupid? This isn't like you,
Jim. You're always so careful, so precise."
"Yeah. And that gets boring. Sometimes. The guys
here all know. They've known since I was working vice and
everyone knew me."
"That's why they looked at me like that."
"Yeah. They're used to me and guys, but they like
you. Simon told me that day that I'd better have given all
that stuff up. I didn't for Carolyn, you know. It helped
end the marriage."
"Jim, what are you saying to me? Jim, I don't want
to hear this." Blair suddenly couldn't breathe.
"The day we slept together? I'd just gotten a blood
test back, and I'd been good for a long time. I knew I was
clean. I wanted to make this work. I *love* you, Blair.
All I knew then was that I wanted it to be forever."
"I never expect forever. Nothing's forever. You
were clean that night? Oh, God. No condom that night."
"Yeah. I took the chance once. I wanted to feel
*you* once, if never again. Never again. We're never going
to...I'm never going to..."
Blair tried to keep his voice steady. "Jim, if you
were clean, then...what about now? What about now!"
"I'm sorry, Angel. I was an idiot. And I'm paying
for that now, aren't I?"
"You say you love me, then you...what? Fuck some
leather queen somewhere? How is that love?"
"I love you, baby. It's that you are safe. Warm.
Home. I thought that's what I wanted and I did...I do. It
was, it started a couple months after we started. I had
never been happier. Everything was perfect. Dangerous
things to think."
"Yeah. A few minutes ago, I was thinking the same
thing."
"Anyway, I'd been on stakeout. It had been pretty
boring and you were home. I wanted to be home. But after I
was relieved, instead of doing the smart thing, I went to
one of the bars. And I got welcomed back. They'd missed
me. You're my world, Blair, but I guess I needed someplace
we didn't share. You have the university. I had...the
sleaze. And it all came back. All the danger, all the
lies. And there was this guy. I don't even know his name."
"Great. Just great. You ruin everything for some
slut who doesn't even have a name."
"No. Tell me I didn't ruin everything!"
"I don't know. You cheated on me. You're sick. I
don't know. Was he...the only one?"
"He was the first. I insisted on a condom with him.
But not the next time or the next. Whenever I had a
stakeout or you were away."
"Jim...why?"
"It was too perfect. Too wonderful. I had to
sabotage it. Something in me said I didn't deserve you.
But so long as you didn't know...I never went back to our
bed right afterwards. I wouldn't do that."
"I never touched anyone since we've been together.
Not a man, and not a woman. I never even wanted to look.
You and our relationship. They were everything."
"'were'?"
"Yeah. I don't know. I can't handle this. I gotta
go. I gotta process this. I'll be in my office. I'll ...
I'll call. Tonight. Good-bye."
And he was gone. He grabbed his jacket and his bag
and he was gone. He could feel the eyes of the rest of the
unit on him. He did *not* hear Jim following him.
Blair drove around for hours. Phrases kept going
through his mind. "Jim's got AIDS." "Jim betrayed me."
Over and over and over again. "Jim's sick." "Jim cheated
on me." "I love him." "I hate him."
Finally, exhausted and starving and practically out
of gas, Blair found himself at the university. He had
nowhere else to go anyway. He got some soda and candy from
a vending machine and went to his office. He'd been working
at home for a couple of weeks now, but he had some notes
here. Except that he couldn't face his dissertation -
either dissertation. He didn't know what to do.
There was a knock on his door.
"Go away!"
"It's Simon. Let me in."
"It's not locked."
And there Simon was. He looked so solid, so
dependable, so safe. Just the way Jim did. But Jim lied.
And Jim was sick. Blair didn't know what to hang onto.
"We've been looking for you."
"I had to get away."
"Jim's been going crazy. He's convinced that you're
leaving him."
"Simon...I..."
"I know he did something very, very wrong, but he
does still love you. We all care about you, Blair."
"I...Oh, damn!" He hadn't cried all day. Now he
was and he couldn't stop. The sobs tore through him.
And Simon's arms were around him, his big hand
stroking Blair's hair, letting Blair cry himself out on his
shoulder.
"It's okay, Blair. I'm right here. We'll see this
through. That's right, son. That's good." Nonsense words,
but Blair felt oddly comforted. Safe, but a different kind
of safe than the way Jim made him feel. Had made him feel.
He slowly calmed down.
"Look what you did to my suit!"
"I'm sorry, Simon."
"It's okay. I've had worse. Blair, I need to call
Jim now. You don't have to talk to him just yet, but he
needs to know that you are all right."
Blair nodded. Simon picked up the office phone.
"Jim? It's Simon. I found him. He's just fine - a
little upset but that's it. No, I don't think so. I think
you both need some time right now. Go home, Jim. You're
on sick leave until you get things together. I'll take care
of Blair. No. Not now. Go home." <click>
"Sick leave?"
"Yeah. Jim has to adjust to a new way of life now.
He'll have medication and diet and appointments to keep, and
that's not going to change. And he'll have to deal with
insurance and all that."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"So you know. *If* you go back to him, you'll be
sharing in this. And you'll have to get tested a lot more
often, and to be even more careful."
"Why? So I get to be alone anyway? Simon, I don't
know if I can do this."
"I believe you can. You still love him, right?"
"Yeah. I love him. He says he loves me, too. And
I know he needs me, but damn it, Simon, he lied to me. You
lied to me. You all knew what he did, and no one told me."
"He said he'd stopped, and the two of you were so
very happy. Sickeningly so. I wasn't going to ruin that.
But I wanted him to tell you."
"You guys all knew?"
"Yeah. We figured you did, too, but then you walked
in that morning. No one would look that happy if he had any
doubts about his lover's loyalty."
"Why was I so blind? It's not that he was so
closeted from me in the past. Past is past, and I've done
things that I haven't been proud of. Did you know about it
after..."
"So far as I knew, Jim was faithful to you. If he
hadn't been, I would have been on him like white on rice.
It was part of the deal. You two could work together so
long as he was faithful and he promised to have safer sex
with you."
"Now what?"
"That's up to you, to him and to his doctors. He
has a very high viral load for someone who contracted it so
recently. We may need a miracle."
"Oh, God. He has full blown AIDS, doesn't he?"
"Not yet. Maybe not ever. Blair, you can't stay
here."
"I can't go home."
"Come home with me. You can stay in Daryl's room,
at least for a couple of weeks."
Blair nodded. "By then I'll have decided where I'm
going."
"And you will be at work tomorrow in the station."
"Not much point to my coming in if Jim isn't there."
"Are you kidding? If you don't show up, I'll have a
riot. Come on. Ever think about the academy?"
"I'm not cutting my hair..."
Two weeks later, Jim reported in for work. He
would be permitted to remain on the force, which meant that
he had insurance to cover the treatment, but he would not go
out on the streets again. He'd be on desk work until he
couldn't work anymore.
Blair was already there, doing some paperwork for
one of the other guys. He'd been used as a consultant a
couple of times and sat in on strategy meetings. Simon was
right - he was there on his own merits now.
"Hi, Sandburg."
"Jim! Jim. You're here."
"Yeah. I'm riding a desk now."
"It's been quiet here without you."
"It's been quiet at home without you."
"Bet it's a lot neater."
"I still have your stuff where you left it. I like
it."
Well, this was awkward as hell. Blair looked around
and saw that the captain's office was empty. He gestured to
it.
"I don't think Simon would mind." Jim nodded.
Jim took the time to close the blinds again.
Neither was about to sit behind the desk.
"Jim. How are you feeling?"
"It's not easy."
Blair smiled tightly. "Are the drugs interacting
with your senses?"
"Oh, yeah. They've been on and off, up and down
since I started. It's driving me crazy. And I can't eat
anything. Blair, I miss you."
Was Jim about to cry? Not Jim. Never. "I miss
you, too, Jim. I wish...I wish I felt ready to go home
again."
"Home? Do you really think of the apartment as
home?"
Blair smiled. "It's not my home. You are. I need
a little more time, Jim. I need to forgive you."
"How can you forgive me? I messed up your life, and
I totally screwed up mine."
"I love you. That means I have to try. And I need
you. I'm not me without you."
"I need you."
Blair nodded. "We'll have to see how we can get you
under control again. We can't play with your drugs or
dosages, and you have to watch your diet, right?"
"Like a hawk."
"Well, then it's meditation and music and lots of
guidance. Maybe if we start working together we can start
being together again."
"We'd have to be very careful."
"That's okay, big guy. I think...it will be so
worth it when we can. And I know with the proper diet and
meditation, we can get you through all of this, and we'll
have a long life together. The two of us."
Jim didn't say anything. He just took Blair's hand
and held it tightly.
Just then, the door opened. Simon stood there. He
smiled at them.
"Well, if you two have begun to patch things up, I
think you'd better get to work."
"Yes, sir."
"Okay, Simon."
Blair smiled inwardly. It wasn't going to be easy,
but they'd be together for as long as Jim had.
Copyright 1998 Debra Fran Baker and NightRoads Associates
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