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Blair watched Jim disappear into the locker room. Jim would be a while, so he decided to see where the boys went.
He packed up his materials and left the gym. There was no sign of them, but one of the doors to the outside was open, so he went through it.
The two boys were leaning against a car in the student lot. They were just talking to each other, but there was an air of watchfulness about them. They were clearly waiting for someone.
Blair debated waiting with them, but it could be anyone, including a girlfriend.
Just as he'd decided to go back into the building again, one of the boys saw him. The boy grinned, mouthed the word "faggot" and shot him the finger.
Blair decided to ignore this bit of disrespect for the moment, and went back in. He memorized their faces, though. Unlike the ones teasing Billy his first day, these boys may be more than talk.
Jim didn't say much on the way home. He just drove the truck as if it needed all of his concentration. Blair wanted very much to talk to Jim, but knew it would be futile to try it when Jim was in this mood.
The mood continued while Jim tossed dinner together. Blair tried to concentrate on lesson plans and even some of his real classes, but found it impossible.
He took a deep breath when they sat down to dinner.
"Jim, what is bothering you?"
"Nothing."
Blair shook his head. "I know you better than that. Don't try to stonewall me, Jim."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Jim...something is wrong, and it has to do with this case."
Jim put his knife and fork down.
"You really want to know? Okay, I'll tell you. There is a rumor that *we* are gay."
"So?"
"So!? Chief, did you hear what I said? They think we're gay. They think *we* are lovers."
Blair shrugged. "Does that matter? I mean, it's not like we have to worry about our jobs in the long term."
"It doesn't bother you that they think you're a...fag?"
"Nope. I know what I am, and who I am, and that's enough for me. One of my mother's lessons."
"Well, it bothers me. I don't want people thinking I'm something I'm not. I want people to see me the way I see myself."
"How do you see yourself, Jim?"
"I'm a man."
"Yes. That's pretty obvious. You'd make a strange looking woman. I'm a man, too."
"Men don't...sleep with other men."
Blair shook his head. 'You held my hand last night so tightly I almost lost circulation. You did it after I kissed you.'
"Jim, no matter who you sleep with, you're a man."
Jim was silent for a moment. "Chief...answer me straight. No lies, no obfuscations. You were bashed in high school."
"Yeah. Until I learned to fight back. Naomi was *not* happy."
"Why?"
"Well, I'm small, and I'm always new, and I read a lot. All of which are crimes."
"Sandburg..."
"That was why then. It was later I realized I...didn't care about the package very much." Blair tried to look calm, but his mouth felt like cotton. He had no idea what would happen next.
Jim said nothing for a long time.
"I'm sorry, Jim. Maybe I should have told you."
Jim shook his head. "It's okay, Chief. Yeah, you should have told me, but I know that's hard to do."
"Yeah."
"What are we going to do about those rumors?"
"Nothing. Act like you don't care. The way you did this afternoon."
"I don't know if I can do that."
"Just try. How did the history classes go?"
"I think I managed to pound one fact into their brains today. It's easier chasing drug dealers."
Even though they kept the conversation on classes and sports, Blair noticed that Jim kept looking at him oddly. Was Jim hiding something from himself again?
Jim did the dishes that night because Blair did them the night before, which gave Blair more time to deal with his double teaching load. Blair, though, spent it trying to figure his Sentinel out.
Jim sat down next to him to do his own "homework." He grimaced at the papers he had to grade, but got out a red pen and set to work.
Blair tried a little experiment. He moved just a little closer to Jim. Jim didn't react at all. Blair moved even closer, until he was just barely touching him. Jim closed the remaining gap.
Blair didn't move. He waited for Jim to notice, but Jim never did. He just continued to grumble about the idiocy of his freshmen. Blair finished grading the remaining quizzes and stood up. He'd had a rotten night and wanted to get some extra sleep.
"Night, Jim."
"Night, Chief."
Blair couldn't get to sleep, though. He had too many thoughts swirling through his head. The boys; the rumors; Jim and what he might be hiding; his own feelings. Finally, though, he heard Jim make his way upstairs and somehow that relaxed him enough to get to sleep.
Until Jim's screaming woke him up again.
It was a replay of the night before.
Jim was screaming on his bed, fending off only he knew who. Blair stood hugging himself in worry, not able to do anything. He could feel the tears running down his face. Something had to be triggering these attacks. He'd never had them twice in a row before.
Finally, Jim began to quiet. Blair reached out again, to do his calming routine. This time, he didn't kiss Jim, who settled quietly back in his bed. Blair sighed and padded softly downstairs again. At least he'd get some more sleep.
Jim wasn't quite so perky the next morning. He poked listlessly at his breakfast when Blair served it to him.
"Chief?"
"Yeah, Jim?"
"Did I have a nightmare last night?"
Blair nearly dropped his coffee. "Yes..yes, you did."
"I remember some of it. I remember...my father. I don't know what it was, but he was angry."
"Good. Good. We can work with this. We can figure out exactly what the trigger was."
"Yeah, maybe. I remember something else, too. I remember *you.*"
Blair carefully put his cup down on the table. "Me? What do you remember about me?"
"You were there. I could hear your heartbeat, smell your scent...just as things were at their worst, you were there, and I knew everything would be all right."
"Jim?"
"And then I remember your voice. And your hands. And everything *was* all right. Did I dream that?"
"No. I was there. I'll always be there for you." Blair looked straight at Jim and reached out his hand.
Jim stared at him, his eyes filled with confusion, terror and joy all mixed up. Before Blair's hand reached his, the phone rang. Still staring at Blair, Jim picked it up.
"Ellison....Simon, what's wrong?...Damn. Do you have names?...Yes, I know them. They're two of my players...No, not that I know of...Are they all right?...Thank God. Any clues?...What do you want us to do?...Sounds right to me. I'll call you later, Captain."
"Jim, what's up?"
"Two of my boys were bashed last night."
Blair had only rarely seen Jim look so angry.
"Who?"
"Billy Taylor and Michael Munsen."
"Billy's one of my English students. He's the one who thought he might be gay because he likes books, even if he likes girls."
Jim nodded. "Michael's the kid with the magazine. That damn magazine. I was reading...Oh, my head!" Jim pressed his hands to his forehead.
"Jim? What's wrong?"
"Nothing, Chief. My head just started pounding. It's better now. What were we talking about?"
"The boys. Billy and Michael."
"Right. They probably weren't gay to begin with."
"Does it matter, Jim? I mean, even if they were gay, does that make it right?"
Jim blinked his eyes. He looked at Blair as if he'd never seen him before. "Does it make it right? No, I guess it doesn't, but it doesn't seem fair to be beaten up for something that isn't true."
"Does it seem fair for me to be beaten up because I read or because I'm short? Those were perfectly true." Blair shrugged. He'd come to terms with that a long time ago.
"I don't know, Chief. You're making my head ache. Finish up here. We don't want to be late today."
As they were cleaning up, the phone rang again.
"Ellison. Yes, Dr. Halper?....Yeah, I'll be there....Sure, I'll call Sandburg. No problem. Bye, sir."
"What was that about, Jim?"
"That was the principal. He wants us in a little early for a staff meeting."
Without more discussion, they climbed into Jim's truck again. At this point, there was no stopping the rumors anyway. Especially if even the principal assumed one could always reach the other.
The meeting was held in the auditorium. Every teacher was there, including the other substitutes. Some knew what was going on, but most were confused. The principal mounted the stage.
"Fred, what's going on here?"
"Is everyone here? Okay, Andrea, I'll answer your question. Two more boys were beaten up last night. Billy Taylor and Michael Munsen. They are *fine* - just bruised. This time they picked a couple of athletes who could fight back. They'll be back in school in a few days, and they are not to be penalized for these days off."
"Dr. Halper? Do you have any idea who might have done this?"
"Mr..Ellison, is it? They're on your team, right? No, we have no idea. However, there is a police investigation going on, or so I'm told."
"Will we be informed about any developments?"
"That's up to the police. Any more questions?"
After Halper repeated the same story several more times, they were released. Jim looked unsatisfied, but he couldn't ask more direct questions. So far as he knew, Dr. Halper was not in on their covers.
Of course, all the kids knew what was going on immediately.
"Mr. Sandburg, is it true that Billy was beaten up last night because he was gay?"
"No."
The students buzzed in amazement. "B...but...my...boyfr..."
"Lizzie, Billy was beaten up last night because someone *thought* he was gay."
"What's the difference?" One of the other boys almost sniggered.
"None. It's equally bad. Lizzie, your boyfriend?"
"I...never mind, Mr. Sandburg."
Blair nodded. "Get out Algernon, kids. Let's talk about the ending."
"It's so sad. They only like him when he's stupid."
"Do they like him, Lizzie? Or does he just think that way?"
"I..don't know, Mr. Sandburg. Let me think."
'Do that, Lizzie.'
The students remained distracted, but Blair managed to get through the lesson. He sat on his desk as the students filed out, reminding them about their homework. Lizzie hung back, waiting for the other kids to leave.
"Mr. Sandburg? Can I talk to you?"
Blair smiled. "Of course. What is it? You did very well in class today."
"Thanks...it's about my boyfriend. He...told me about Jack and Billy last night."
She twisted her hair with her fingers.
Blair stopped smiling. "What did he say?"
"I shouldn't...I didn't *say* I wouldn't...Kevin said he saw the whole thing. That those two were faggots and that Mr. Ellison was...like that too, and that's why he stuck up for them...he said he saw the whole thing in the gym."
"What happened in the gym?"
"You know, Mr. Sandburg. Kevin says you were there. He says you and Mr. Ellison...but you can't be. All the girls are saying that you can't be."
"Okay, Lizzie. Mr. Ellison and I aren't important." He took a deep breath and ran his fingers over his head, pulling strands out of his ponytail.
He thought about the two upperclassmen who'd tried to taunt him in the gym.
"What did Kevin say about the beatings, Lizzie?"
"Just that...he saw them. That two big guys, bigger than him or his friend Jeff who he always hangs out with, grabbed them that night by the reservoir, you know, where the kids hang out?"
Blair nodded. "Go on, Lizzie."
"He said that they were tough for a couple of fruits, and that they gave pretty well. Even guys who just watched got hit, he said. That's how he got his black eye."
"Okay, Lizzie. Thanks for telling me this. You were a big help."
She preened.
"Do you need a late pass for your next class?"
"Nah. Ms. Nox don't care."
She let go of her hair and ran off.
By the second period, the students had calmed down somewhat, and Blair's lessons went on as usual.
And then they were back in the teacher's lounge. This time, Andrea Nox gave them a sniff and a cold shoulder, and they were frankly stared at by other teachers.
Jim, who looked exhausted and worried, was clearly listening to some whispered conversation.
"Jim?"
"There seems to be two sides to this debate. One side thinks we're long term lovers, and one side refuses to believe we're gay at all. Most of those seem to be women."
The short-haired teacher from the day before approached them, holding three cups of coffee precariously balanced on a notebook.
"I didn't introduce myself yesterday. I'm Jessica Weston. Call me Jessica. And I know who you are."
"I'll bet you do." Jim gave a rueful smile.
"Have some coffee. Look, I'm in the same boat, or I would be if anyone knew."
She sat down next to them.
"How did...why do they think this about us?"
She shrugged. "Maybe you give off vibes. Maybe it's because you're the only single men who haven't succumbed to Andrea's charms. I don't know."
Blair looked at her. "How do you...keep it a secret?"
"My lover works nowhere near here."
"Jessica, we're not..."Jim couldn't continue. "Have you heard any rumors about the bashing? I'd think that would take precedence."
"Kevin Jackson came in with a black eye today, and his pal Jeff Graciano has a sprained wrist. They claim they fell off their roller blade."
Blair looked at her. "Kevin's girlfriend said that he said he was a witness, and that he got the black eye because he got in the way of flailing fists. I didn't believe her then."
"Why didn't you say anything, Ch...Sandburg?"
"I was going to tell the cops when I had a chance."
Jim looked at him and nodded. He got the message - Blair was going to wait until they were alone.
There was to be no practice that afternoon, by administrative fiat. Jim complained all the way home.
"Those kids need something normal. They need the practice. I was just getting them to be a team! And now, with two players out, they really need some time together."
Blair just nodded and "uh-huhed" in the right places. They had other things to talk about that afternoon, and it was best that Jim got this out of his system.
But Jim didn't give him a chance to talk. As soon as they were home, Jim put together a shopping list and went out for groceries. Well, they *were* low and it was his turn, but Blair knew avoidance when he saw it.
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Blair was on the phone when Jim finally got back from the grocery store.
"Yeah, Simon. Tell Megan and Brown that the kids hang out by the reservoir. Look for the ones with bruises. They'll be the ones who know something."
"Simon's sending Connor and Henri out to question the kids?"
Blair nodded at Jim. "Okay, Simon. Jim's home. Yeah, I think we might have this solved. Good night."
Jim began putting away the groceries. "I thought we'd have spaghetti in garlic oil tonight. Something simple."
"Yeah, Jim. Whatever. Jim, we have to talk."
"About what?" Jim put a pot of water on the stove and began to make a salad.
"About what happened last night. About what we talked about this morning."
"I don't want to talk about it, Chief."
Blair began to pace around the living room, clenching and unclenching his fists.
"This is *so* frustrating. Jim, man, this is not something you can just forget. We *need* to talk. Things aren't the same anymore."
Jim put down the knife and the tomatoes. "Why not? Why can't things be the same? I *like* things the way they are. I like my life the way it is."
Blair walked into the kitchen and touched Jim's shoulder. "I know. You hate change, and this is so not what you're looking for."
Jim turned to face him. "I don't know that, either. I like things the way they are. I don't want to change. But, I want...I don't know what I want. Dammit, Sandburg! Why do you have to analyze everything?"
"Because that was your second major night terror in two days last night. Because I spent the night before last lying awake in your bed because you were holding my hand and I couldn't make you let go. Because we have a school full of terrorized kids. Because...oh, dammit, Ellison, because I love you!"
Blair ran out of the kitchen and into his room. He sat on his bed and buried his face in his hands.
"You idiot. You idiot. You stupid, stupid idiot. How could you just say that? Idiot, idiot, idiot."
"I am one, aren't I?" Blair felt Jim sit next to him on his bed.
"What? Oh, God, Jim, I'm sorry."
Jim put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't be. Never be."
"Jim?"
"I don't know what to say right now. I'm not good with words."
"Yeah, you are."
"Sandburg...Blair...I don't know what I'm feeling, or if...but I know you. And if you feel this way, it's...I don't have the words. Don't...don't go away."
"I'm not going anywhere, Jim. Not unless you want me to. I made you a promise this morning. As long as you need me, I'll be here." Blair felt something escape his eyes. He couldn't be crying.
Jim touched the tear on Blair's cheek and looked at his own hand in wonder. "I...I don't know how to respond to this, but I'm glad you're here."
"Yeah. I'm glad I'm here, too." He wiped his face. "What do you say we eat dinner?"
"I have to make it first. Ten minutes, okay, Chief?" Blair nodded.
He watched Jim leave the room. The discussion wasn't over yet, but something was a lot clearer. There was even some hope that Jim would...no, not yet. It was too soon. Everything was too soon. Even after three years.
The table needed setting while Jim sauteed the garlic in the oil and tossed the spaghetti. It was a perfectly ordinary task, but nothing felt ordinary now. Jim kept looking at him.
Jim came to the table with two bowls of pasta, and put one in front of Blair. Blair picked up his fork and began to twirl, then put it down again.
"Chief? What's wrong? Stupid question."
"Yeah. Why are you so calm? Last night, I told you I was bisexual. This morning, you remembered you had nightmares. Tonight, I said what I said. Why aren't you reacting?"
"I don't know. Fifteen minutes ago, I was angry and scared and confused as hell, but now...now I don't know. Maybe I still am. Maybe I'm screaming somewhere inside. But I don't feel it. I feel...I still can't put it into words...Safe? Does that make sense?"
Blair thought about it as he began to eat his dinner. "I don't know. I do know I'm scared. And off-balance. And that this tastes really good."
Jim smiled. "Have some salad, Chief."
Blair smiled back. "Yeah. We'll need our energy. Simon didn't ask for us, but I think we need to be by that reservoir tonight. Those are our students there, not just random kids."
"Only for the moment, Sandburg."
"The moment is all we have."
Jim nodded. They finished dinner in an uneasy silence. Jim went to the living room to clean his gun while Blair did the dishes. Jim also called Simon and told him they were going. Simon wasn't happy about it, but gave him permission.