The phone's ring startled Casey out of a restless sleep. All night, he'd had dreams of Dan, some of them featuring his partner in ways he'd rather not think about that he thought about, and he'd woken up shaking after each one.
"Yeah?" He blinked blurrily at his clock radio. 3AM. Someone would pay.
"Casey, it's Isaac." His voice was tense.
"Isaac? What's wrong?"
"How soon can you get to Roosevelt?"
"How soon can I get to Roosevelt?"
"Yes. How soon?"
"Roosevelt the hospital? St. Luke's-Roosevelt? That Roosevelt?"
"That Roosevelt. At 59 th St. The Emergency ward."
"This time of night? Fifteen minutes." Casey struggled out of bed and began pulling on clothing. "Why am I rushing to Roosevelt this time of night?"
"Just...hurry. I have to call Dana and the others. I'll see you here." The phone clicked.
Casey jammed his feet into his sneakers, grabbed his keys and his wallet and ran out the door. Twelve minutes later, the taxi deposited him in front of the old, imposing brick building.
Isaac, leaning on his cane and looking older than Casey could remember seeing him, met him just inside. "Thank God. You made it."
"What is it? Is it Danny?"
"Yes. It's Danny. We have to go in now."
"It *is* Danny?"
"It's Danny, and we have to go in now."
"Go where? Isaac, what the hell is going on here? And..."
"Casey, about two hours ago, Danny called me."
"That would be about...1:30. Danny called you at 1:30AM."
"Yes. Casey..."
"Does he do that a lot? Call you at 1 in the morning?"
"This was the first time. Casey, listen to me. Danny called, scared out of his mind."
Casey felt his stomach freeze up. "Isaac, why was Danny scared out of his mind? Danny doesn't get scared out his mind safe in his apartment at 1 AM."
"He does if he's just swallowed a dozen or so sleeping pills on top of a bottle of whisky."
"Danny doesn't take sleeping pills. He also doesn't drink whole bottles of whisky."
"Danny doesn't. But he did. And he got scared and he called me. And I called the police on my other line and tried to keep him talking but he stopped before they got there. They had to break in. They called an ambulance and told me where he was going."
"Danny...this is a joke, right? Danny is hiding behind that door, and he's just fine."
"He will be fine, but he's not fine now. And he is behind those doors over there."
"This is not possible. He...why would Dan do that? And...why would he call *you*?"
"I don't know. At the time, I was too scared myself to worry about why, and to just be grateful he called *someone*."
"Does he want to see me? Because if he doesn't want to see me, and he's...I don't know if it's a good idea if I should see him." Casey looked at Isaac, not knowing what he wanted to hear. Could he bear to see Dan lying in a emergency ward bed after doing that to himself? Could he bear not to? One thing he knew. He would *not* think about what would have happened if Dan had not called Isaac. No way would he think about that, because thinking about that led to thoughts of no Dan at all, and that was the worst thing Casey could think about, so he wouldn't think about it at all.
"Go and see him, Casey. Unless you want to talk to Dana and Jeremy and Natalie, all of whom seem to be arriving as we speak." Casey turned to watch Dana pay off one cab as Jeremy and Natalie got out of each of theirs.
"I'd rather face them. Isaac, he doesn't need me. He needs you. He called you."
"He called me, but he needs you. Go to him. I'll hold the troops at bay." Isaac squeezed Casey's shoulder. Casey nodded, drawing strength from that touch. He turned and walked to the big double doors. As he opened them, he could hear the others descending upon Isaac asking how Danny was and what had happened. It sounded far away, in a different universe.
A nurse met him at the door. "Can I help you, sir?"
"I...I want to see Dan Rydell."
"Are you a relative?"
"I'm his *partner*."
The nurse blinked, and then nodded and smiled. "Of course, sir. Please come with me. He'll probably be happy to see you."
Oh, no. Someone else with the wrong idea. Just like those damn dreams he'd had all night. She led him to a curtained-off area. "He's in there, sir. He's awake but very groggy."
Casey nodded and walked through the curtains. For a moment, he didn't recognize the man in the bed. His skin was pale, almost white, and there were deep circles under his eyes, and his hair was greasy and lank. He wanted to run out and ask the nurse where Danny Rydell was. Then the man on the bed opened his eyes and it was Danny.
"Case...what are you doing here?" His voice was hoarse and faint.
"I always visit hospitals at 3AM. Why else?"
"I was an idiot tonight."
"I think that about sums it up. What the hell were you thinking?"
Danny closed his eyes. "I...I don't know. I was...Abby's away this week, and I didn't like her sub and...it was Saturday night and I was alone. I'm always alone on Saturday nights, but this time...and the bottle was there."
"I heard about the whisky. You *hate* whisky."
"Yeah. It tastes like iodine. I drank half the bottle anyway. It didn't help."
"It didn't help what?"
"Me. Forgetting. Living with...anyway, the pills seemed like a good idea to a drunken idiot at 1AM."
"But you changed your mind."
"I did."
"You changed your mind and you called...Isaac. Not the police, not...not me. Isaac."
"I changed my mind, but...I couldn't call you. You..." Danny turned on the bed.
"Me? Danny, talk to me. Don't shut me out again. Don't...don't make it so..." He couldn't think. Danny...had to forget something. Danny tried to kill himself tonight. Danny could have *died* tonight. He couldn't think. His thoughts were all jumbled with his dreams and his confusion and two sets of thoughts he didn't want to think about and something that was wrong to feel but he felt it anyway and..."Damn you, Danny Rydell. You had no right to do what you did and then not call me, not come to me...I'm your best friend, you idiot. I'd do *anything* for you." He could feel the tears in his eyes. They burned there.
"Anything?"
"Yeah. I...love you."
"No, you don't. At least..."
"At least what?"
"Nothing."
"At least something. At least I don't love you what?"
Danny turned back. His eyes burned. "You don't love me the way I love you. You...you have friend love, maybe brother love. And it's not always enough."
"Friend love. Brother love. What other kind..." Casey felt his eyes widen. "Dan, you're not telling me..."
"I'm not. But I should. I should have a long time ago, except...even when it's not enough, it's something, and better something than nothing but if I said something, then the something would be nothing and I'd never have anything. But a lie is worse than nothing."
"It is." And with those words, something broke in Casey and all the confusion resolved itself, or at least some of it did, as he let himself think about some things he'd tried not to think about. And it wasn't hard or bad at all, except that it made the other things worse still. He reached out and took Danny's hand and squeezed it. "You don't have to lie...and maybe you can add another kind of love to the way I love you."
Dan looked at him in disbelief. "You aren't serious. You're just...because of what I did."
"Yeah. Because it made me think. And what I'm thinking is that I'm an idiot, too, and that...that..." He was a writer. Words were everything to him. He spoke four languages. And he could find nothing to say in any of them. So, he did. He bent and kissed Danny on the mouth.
It was a less than pleasant experience tastewise, but Casey barely noticed because Danny was responding for a moment. Then they broke apart.
"We are both utter idiots, you know." Danny almost smiled.
"Yeah. And when you get out of here, we'll be bigger ones."
"This doesn't make it all better, you know." But Danny held Casey's hand hard.
"I know. You did a stupid thing tonight - except that calling Isaac was smart. Smarter than calling me because all I would've done was panic."
"I know. That's why I called him. That and I got his number on the speed dial before I got yours. I'll be fine, Case."
Casey just nodded. And tried not to think about the future.
Copyright 2000 Debra Fran Baker and NightRoads Associates
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