---

I tapped Blair's shoulder. He started and took off his headphones.

"Hi, Chief."

He turned his face in my direction with a big smile. "Jim! I didn't hear you come in."

"No wonder, Dr. Bookworm. What has you so engrossed?" I sat down on the couch next to him and gathered him in my arms. He tilted his head up and kissed me.

"Just reading the latest journal."

"You in that one?" I picked up the empty box. Journal of Urban Anthropology. "That thing on cops as an urban tribe?"

"Nah. I'm in next quarter's." He sniffed. "Good thing you came home. Dinner's ready." He disentangled himself from my arms, made sure his tape machine was off and made his way into the kitchen to poke and sniff at the food he'd prepared.

I got up to set the table. When he heard me clatter around the silverware drawer, he turned to give me another smile. I smiled back, even though he couldn't see it.

**************************
"Roger, you *don't* have to do this...yes, I am. I swear to you. Look, just let it go, man." Blair took a deep breath, holding in his anger. I just shook my head. He was wearing his Academy uniform, a white uniform shirt and dark blue pants with a blue clip-on tie, but his hair was still brushing his shoulders, so the effect was very Blair. "Okay, okay. It's a waste of time and I'm out of that life, but if you're going to do it, do it. Let's cut the last cord....yeah, thanks. I'll talk to you." He hung up the phone.

"What's up, Sandburg?"

He looked at me. "I've tested those ears. You heard every word."

"Yep. And if he can get you cleared..."

"It's a waste of time. And useless. I'm a *cop* now. Or I will be. I don't give a damn if some peer review clears me. Which they won't." He closed his eyes and shook his head, sending his curls flying. "Any leads on that thief?"

"Yeah...while you were in class." He'd tested out of most of his classes, but not all. He had permission to "observe" me the rest of the time, so long as he wore his cadet's uniform and no gun. He hated the uniform, which was why he rebelled and wore his hair loose when he worked with me. As I said, the effect was very Blair. Made it difficult to keep my mind on work. A few weeks earlier, I would have believed he was doing it on purpose. He would have grinned and flirted and tossed those curls around and dared me to grab him in the break room with his eyes. These days, he was quiet and subdued except when he spoke to this Roger guy.

"So?" He leaned forward on my desk.

"It was actually something that you said at breakfast this morning...that tomorrow sometime, another jeweler store will be robbed and we'll talk to the owner or the manager and that Manzo guy would be there shaking his head and denying the claim."

"Hiding in plain sight, too. He's the insurance guy, isn't he? So it make sense he was there."

"Yes, but there are two other firms besides his who handle claims like that. I checked."

His eyes widened. "How many other agents does his firm have for jewelers?"

"Just him. He specializes in these things, and it's not a big one."

"And part of insurance is seeing how security is handled..." He was sitting up straight now. "That's not enough...you got anything else?"

"Yeah. He gambles. A lot. I spoke to some of his co-workers this morning. He's always taking trips to Vegas, he goes to the track every week and he hosts the weekly firm poker game...where he always loses and he owed all of them mucho dinero. Except he paid all of them back a few months ago. Said he got a windfall inheritance from some relative. They weren't clear which."

"That's before these burglaries."

"You noticed."

"So...Richard gets a loan from someone he shouldn't have gotten a loan from, and now he has to pay them back. So he's stealing the jewelry because he knows he can sell the gems and not be traced because he knows the business..." Blair was on his feet now. God, he was beautiful.

"You got it, Chief. All we need is a search warrant for Richard's apartment..."

Right on cue, Henri walked in waving an envelope. "Judge likes you, Jim."

I smiled and took it from him. Blair looked for his uniform cap while I stuck my head into Simon's office and let him know everything was in order. He growled at me to get the guy and to watch myself and my partner.

We road the elevator up to the seventeenth floor of the twenty story building. To my surprise, there was a heartbeat in the apartment at 3 in the afternoon. I gestured for Blair to fall in behind me, cell phone at the ready, and, holding my gun high in one hand, I knocked on the door with the other. There was no answer, but the heartbeat sped up.

I kicked in the door. Manzo stood in his living room. He was a little mouse of a man - balding, big glasses. He had his hands behind his back.

"What are you doing here, detective?" He was trying to sound calm. He was failing.

"I have a search warrant, Richard. If you will just step aside, my partner and I will have a look around." I used my left hand to fish out the warrant to show to him.

He looked at it. He looked at the gun pointed at him. He ran.

"Sandburg! Back up! Now!" I chased after him. I could hear Blair talking to dispatch. Then he ran after me. I couldn't stop him. He was almost a cop. He was my partner.

There was an open door at the end of the hallway. Seventeen floors down, three up. I looked at Blair. He pointed towards the roof. I nodded and we both took off. Something was odd in the air. I sniffed.

"Gunpowder! He's armed!" I shouldn't have been surprised. We climbed as fast as we could. I wanted Blair downstairs. That wouldn't work anymore.

The roof was almost empty. There were a couple of exhaust pipes in one corner, while the center held a large air conditioning unit, with a water tank nearby. That was about it.

Manzo ran like a cornered mouse. First he tried to go behind the pipes. I caught him. He ducked behind the ac unit. Blair found him. He even tried the water tanks. Between us, he had nowhere to go. As I said. Cornered. "Give it up, Richard."

He aimed his gun at me. "No!"

Blair stuck his hands in the air. He began to move closer. "Richard, man..."

"You!"

"Hey, I don't have a gun, man. I'm only a cadet. Look, all you've done is take property. Maybe some fraud. That's *nothing* compared to hurting a couple of cops. All you'll do is time."

"I can't go to prison, I *can't*." He was shaking, near tears.

"You haven't sold the jewels yet, right? Richard, we can do a deal for you. Get you *easy* time." Blair kept moving closer, his arms still in the air.

"Sandburg, get back here." What the hell was he thinking?

"Listen to him, Sandburg. I...I can't do prison. They'll kill me. They'll find me and they'll kill me." He back up into the air conditioning unit. "They'll...kill me slowly. I *can't*...I can't let you take me in...I can't..."

I learned in the military never to corner someone that desperate. You have to leave them a way out. I couldn't do that with Manzo. There was no way out. He knew it. Even a mouse will fight. He picked up his gun and aimed it at me. His hands shook. He pulled the trigger. I could see the muscles of his hand flex as he did.

And I could see Blair diving in the path of the bullet meant for me.

I emptied my gun into Manzo. I swear he smiled as he died.

Then I was on my knees next to my partner. The bullet had gotten him in the head. All of his soft curls were filling with blood. I couldn't stop it. I wanted to hold him in my arms but I knew I couldn't. Instead, I held his hand and willed his heart to keep beating, and for him to keep breathing. My whole world was filled with the sounds of him living. I knew nothing else until Simon showed up and woke me up.

****************

"He *can't* be blind. He's not even awake yet, Doc!" I paced back and forth in the tiny office, staring at the tall woman. Blair had just had the bullet removed, and was "resting comfortably", whatever that means after brain surgery. I was aching to get to him.

"Detective Ellison, I've seen injuries like this before. The bullet reached his optic nerves. He exhibited no response towards light. There is a good chance that your...friend will lose his vision."

Simon, who sitting by the doctor's desk, looked at her. "Is it possible that Blair will see again?"

"Anything is possible, captain. Medicine is not an exact science. But I need to prepare you and him for what is most probable. Have you reached his mother yet?"

"We're trying, Dr. Harris." How the hell could Simon sound so calm?

"*I'm* Blair's next of kin. He's mine. We have that all set up." I kept on pacing. I had to move, had to do *something*.

"Naomi has a right to know. After all, if Blair is...you know...someone will have to take care of him while he..."

"That's what *I'm* for." I stopped in front of Simon's chair. "You know that. You know *everything*." He had to know. He had eyes.

Simon pressed his lips together and nodded tightly. "We'll discuss what I know if and when it becomes...reasonable." I couldn't ask for more from him.

The doctor picked up some papers from her desk. She looked me straight in the eyes. "I'm sorry, Detective Ellison. I've seen wounds of this nature before. The possibility exists that he will see, but in most of the cases I've treated, the patient never regains his eyesight. I'm afraid you and your...partner will have to face this." She put on an expression of professional compassion, but she didn't know Blair, so how could she care about him? The phone rang. "Dr. Harris....Is he?....Right here....Yes....I'll tell him now. Thank you."

Blair was awake. Blair was calling for me. I'd heard every word the nurse on the other side said. I wanted to race to him right then. Simon stood up, and took my arm. He knew I'd heard, and knew I didn't give a damn about my secret. Luckily, he did. I waited until she told us. She was fast, though, and I was striding down the hall minutes later.

"Jim!" I could hear Blair well before I got to recovery. He sounded terrified. It made my blood run cold, because if Blair was that scared, how could he think his way out of this? And if Blair couldn't think his way out, we were both trapped. Just the thought of him being helpless made my heart stop.

I began to run. No one stopped me. They had the doors open. Blair was blinking his eyes and turning his head this way and that and waving his hands, still stuck with IV's, in the air. His head was wrapped in bandages. He'd need to cut his hair when he got out - they'd shaved it off the side that had caught the bullet. That didn't matter. Hair grew. There were two nurses next to him, one on each side, both trying to restrain him, but he moved too quickly. His hair was gone

 I waved them away and caught his right hand in both of mine. "Chief! Chief, it's me."

"Jim? You're there?" The desperation in his voice cut right through me.

"Yeah, buddy. I'm here." I tried to be as easy as I could.

"Thank God." His breathing, which had been rough and harsh, began to slow. I could feel his fingers grasp mine. "Jim, I can't see. There's nothing over my eyes but I can't see."

"I know. They said this would happen."

"How long? How long until things get fixed?" I could hear the pleading behind those words.

I had no good answer for him. "They don't know."

"They *have* to know. Unless...unless...no! No! No!" He held my hand tighter still. I didn't care. He could have broken the fingers off and I wouldn't have cared.

"I'm sorry, Chief. I...they don't know everything, you know. Your doctor *said* that."

Blair nodded. "They don't. Tomorrow...tomorrow, you go down to the med school library...I'll give you contacts...and find articles on this type of injury. *You* do it."

"I can't read medical journals, Sandburg. I'm no doctor. Neither are you." This was Blair, using his best weapon other than his mouth. He'd find a way out, but I couldn't give in too easily. And then I looked in his face and wondered.

"I *have* to know. I can't *not* know. Please?" His heart monitor began jumping.

One of the nurses tried to take me away. "Mr. Sandburg is recovering from surgery. You'll have to let him rest..."

"Let Detective Ellison stay here. Please." Blair never begged. He just assumed things would happen the way he wanted - because they usually did. But this time, he knew better. I could see it in his face, despite his demand for journal articles. He knew he'd finally hit something he couldn't control.

It rocked my world out of orbit, too.

To my surprise, the nurse found me a chair and let me stay. I held Blair's hand until he fell asleep, helped by whatever drugs they were pumping into his system. They even let me stay by him while they transferred him to a regular room in the neurology wing. Maybe they realized they didn't have a choice. I slept in the room on a chair next to his bed. Blair wasn't afraid of the dark, but I wasn't going to let him wake up there alone.

I knew I'd done the right thing when he held my hand tighter that next morning.

Simon came in and relieved me so I could shave and change, and Megan was there when I returned with Blair's favorite pillow and a personal stereo with his favorite tapes - and a sheaf of photocopies of articles on his injury and its effects. His medical school contacts fell all over themselves to help him.

I scanned them and read what I thought were relevant passages out loud. We tried reading the complete articles, where my almost-forgotten prep school Greek and Latin helped, but they were dense and full of jargon and we got bogged down in data. Didn't matter...all of them said pretty much what Harris said - most of the patients with this sort of injury lost their sight permanently, and those few who didn't, well, no one could explain why.

Blair threw those articles across the room.

"No! This can't be all."

I bent to pick them up. "I'm sorry, Chief. Your friends searched everywhere."

"I have to see again! I'm going to be a *cop*. Who ever heard of a blind cop? Damn!"

He began to rage and curse, pounding on his bed, his pillow...me. I let him. He kept going until he collapsed in my arms, still hitting me weakly. I held him until he fell into an exhausted sleep.

"Jim? Jim?"

I blinked myself awake. "Ch...chief? You okay?"

"I don't know, but...I gotta live with this, right?"

"We don't know..." I ran a hand over my hair. Blair's was tangled and his beard was getting long. I'd have to get hold of a razor and take care of that for him. Blair hated looking unshaven. I'd have to get him a comb, too. I couldn't help hoping he'd let me take care of it for him. It had been a long time since I'd brushed his hair.

"Yeah, well, whatever I do won't hurt if I do see again."

I nodded and then hit myself. "Point. What do you want to do?" Blair was sounding more himself - at least the himself of the past few weeks.

"Find out when I can start learning to, you know. Live with this. Function. Get on top of it, maybe. And you...you find me books on the subject. Please?"

"Anything you want, Blair." I took his hand again. "I'll be here."

"You're going to have to go back to work."

"I've done the paperwork on Manzo. They found the last bunch of gems hidden in his mattress. The insurance company is paying the jewelers off. I'm free. Simon's giving me vacation."

"You got that coming, I guess."

"And when that runs out, I'll take a leave of absence."

Blair sat up. He scrunched his face against the pain and dizziness. When that wore off, he turned to me. "You will do no such thing. Once I start, you know. Learning....I'll be busy. You might as well work."

"Simon'll chain me to a desk without you." I forced a laugh.

"Good. Then I won't have to worry about you." His laugh sounded forced, too. "I'll bet there are all sorts of gadgets I can use...even stuff I can add to my desktop to make it more usable. I have students...had students...who couldn't see. They managed. I'll manage."

He did manage. His therapists and instructors were amazed at how fast he progressed. I wasn't. This was Blair, after all. He was going to get on top of his blindness.
***********

"Hey, Ellison! Where are you."

"Right here, Sandburg. Just ten feet away."

There were chairs and a table between us. Blair knew that. He didn't know where they were.

"Just keep talking, man. I'll get you."

"Hurry. Man-eating shark behind me. Save me, Sandburg!"

Blair laughed and, using his white cane, poked and prodded the obstacles, confidently walking around them and towards me. As he did, I kept yelling how the sharks were coming closer and he had to hurry.

He was walking normally, picking up his feet. He'd shuffled the first day, but hated the way it felt and sounded. So, he changed it.

And then he found me and I hugged him. "You saved me!"

"You idiot!" He gave me a huge smile and a bigger kiss. "I love you, you know."

"Never would have guessed." He tilted his face up at me. I tried to look at his eyes. Individually, they were still beautiful, but all of their animation was gone. Blair wasn't there anymore. I held him tight.

"They're letting me go tomorrow, you know."

"I heard."

"They're springing for good behavior. This means I can survive in a house now without a sitter." He had every right to be bitter. He just sounded resigned. "And then I get to start taking the bus to school and learning how to read and write again."

"You'll do fine. You did it once, right?"

"So they tell me. You get to check my homework, too."

"Looking forward to it, Chief." The lie didn't stick in my throat. I was learning.

Unfortunately, he didn't.

"Damn! I'll *never* learn this!" He tossed his slate across the room, narrowly missing me.

"Hey, watch your pitching, Roger Clemens." I bent to pick it up. "Give it time. You've only been trying a couple of weeks."

"I can't even feel if it's one dot or two, man. My fingers aren't sensitive enough. I'm going to need someone to read to me for the rest of my *life*. And I *hate* being read to."

He did. Before, if I'd read him more than one paragraph of an article, he'd grab it out of my hand to finish it, and if he couldn't, he'd squirm. "Didn't Naomi read to you?"

"Why do you think I learned to read at three? She always took too long. Dammit! Take that thing away." I'd tried to put the slate back his hands, but he brushed it away. "I'm sick of those little dots. I'd have to be...I'd have to be a sentinel to do anything with them...Hey!" He grinned at me.

"Uh-oh. I know that look. That's the 'let's test Jim's senses' look." That was a look I thought had disappeared forever during a press conference that haunts my nightmares. I had to fight to keep a growl in my voice. God, he looked beautiful.

"Let's see how you do with the little dots. You're good with codes, right?"

I nodded. He handed me his primer. There were print instructions along with the Braille. Patiently, he taught me the basics - he knew something even though he couldn't sense it. To his surprise, and mine, as he did, his fingers became more accustomed to the "dots."

As for me..."Chief! I *see* them!"

"Of course you do, Jim."

"No, my eyes are closed. I *see* the letters with my fingers. It's as clear as if my eyes were open."

Blair actually bounced. "Synesthesia! That's sooo cool. You know, I'll bet that if that Golden hadn't worn off, you'd have adjusted just fine to lack of vision. Maybe that's why you were so calm about it. I gotta note this down...oh." The bouncing stopped as his face fell.

I picked up his hand as it rested on the table between us. "Why don't you? I mean, your friend Roger is working hard on that peer review...and even if it didn't, why waste it?"

"What's the point? Even if...if I get reinstated, I can't read anything. I can't write anything. I'm useless." He pulled his hand free and rubbed his eyes. He did that a lot.

Even though he couldn't see it, I shook my head. "I don't believe you're saying that. That is *not* the Blair Sandburg I fell in love with."

"No. *He* could see. *He* was going to be a cop. *He* didn't need you for everything." He pushed himself away from the table and walked towards the couch.

"*He* didn't let anything stop him. *He* could make a weapon out of a vending machine or a baseball. And...Blair..." He turned to face me. "I fell in love with you because I wanted you and I needed you. And I will always need you. Look at this...synesthesia thing. This is something we need to explore more." I walked to the couch and sat next to him, placing my hand in his. He took it.

"I still can't read. I still can't be a cop or a professor."

"You'll find ways. You already cook. You've memorized the bus schedule and the number of every taxi company in Cascade. You've figured out ways of adjusting that amaze even that idiot they sent to teach you."

"You want me to just...accept this?"

"Hell, no. I want you to fight it. I want you to be Blair Sandburg, too stupid-stubborn to know that the fighting is over. Someone who..." I reached out and gathered him into my arms. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.

"Someone who gave up because someone else was unscrupulous?"

"Yeah. I want that Blair back, whether you're blind or a cop or a professor, or *all* three. I don't care. I need you and I miss you. Are you still there?"

He smiled at me in a way he hadn't smiled since before the accident. "Yeah. I think I can find...me again. If you'll help?"

I nodded, and checked myself. "We'll look together. I love you."

"I love you, too." We hadn't kissed since the accident - when I tried to initiate anything, he just said his head still hurt or he was tired. He was still sleeping in my bed, but after a brief cuddle at night, we just went to sleep.

This kiss felt like the first one did, that night we came back from Sierra Verde. He was sweet and hesitant and passionate all at the same time, and I responded with every ounce of my being - every nerve tingled as I focused my concentration on that one point of contact, our mouths. I drowned in it, I reveled in it, I nearly zoned in it except that his arms were around me and I could feel them...and then other senses kicked in and I was hearing his taste and smelling his touch and I can't describe all of it, except that it had never happened before.

And then he led me upstairs with strength and confidence and pulled me to the bed, and we were kissing again and holding each other and then he was naked and I was naked and we were touching all over, and I could feel each curl on his chest rub against mine, and the hardness between his legs rub my belly and it was enough and not enough and never enough.

He fumbled through my night table drawer and came up with a tube of lube and a condom and slipped the condom on me, and I took the lube and prepared him, gently, lovingly, as I had so many and so few times in the past and he lay on his stomach and opened for me, not in surrender but in need and desire and love. Then I was inside of him, and he was around me and together we moved and pounded and I think I forgot where I left off and he began as my senses began to truly merge until finally I crested on a wave of pleasure and heard him gasp beneath me. Eventually, I slipped out and we cleaned up and then he took me in his arms again.

"You do, don't you?"

"Yeah, Einstein. You're...I don't want or need anyone else."

"I'm not going to let this beat me."

"No, you aren't."

"I'll call Roger tomorrow. Tell him that I'll do anything he wants me to do. And then we invest in voice recognition software and see what else I can do. And we'll talk to Simon. Must be some use for a blind man in CPD, somehow."

"If there isn't, you'll find one, and then we'll wonder how we managed without you."

"Don't let me give up again."

"I'll beat you up if you do." I held him closer.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

************************

"Sandburg! What are you doing here?" Simon stood up from my desk.

"Just came to pay my partner a visit. Hi, Jim." He walked over and kissed me. No one blinked an eye - over the past several months, they'd all seen it before.

I kissed him back. "Hi, yourself. How did things go at the university? There's a chair just to your right."

"Thanks." He found it and sat down.

"University? What's going on?"

Blair grimaced. "I'm going in front of a peer review next week. Today was a preliminary meeting. They're going to look over all my data. It's going okay...I think maybe...I can kiss the possibility of tenure goodbye, but I'll get that doctorate without compromising Jim. I wish...I wish my eyes looked normal." He automatically rubbed at them at those words. "I don't want it because of, well, sympathy for the blind guy."

There was no answer for that. There was no way of knowing. So I just squeezed his hand.

That's when all hell broke loose.

"Simon! It's the chief. Water main explosion six blocks away. Street's completely flooded, power and utilities down in that area. They need all of us!"

Simon grabbed the phone. "Yes, sir. In charge of...yes, sir. I know many valuable...yes, sir. We'll be right down." He hung up. "Gentlemen, we have a bomb to investigate, and victims to help.
Oh, and things to guard. If we get around to it. Let's roll!"

Blair got swept up with the rest of us. For the first time in months, I felt whole, with my partner by my side. Once we were there, he came with us to investigate the bomb.

"Are you sure about this, buddy? Maybe you should go home or back to the PD?"

"I'm here. Let me help. I don't need eyes for this."

And he didn't. He helped me filter out extraneous sights and smells and zero in on the unusual make up of that explosive, which was enough to pin it on one of our local terrorists. And to find and defuse a second bomb.

He wouldn't come home even after we sent Megan and Henri off to pick the bomber up. I couldn't leave, either. The EMTS were overwhelmed and needed what help they could get, so I volunteered my services. Meanwhile, Blair found a table and a chair, and somehow - don't ask me how - he started taking charge of services, making sure everyone had food and something dry to wear, and generally working with the crews. They all instinctively went to Sandburg first if they had help to give or needed help themselves. He was always in the center of the fray, constantly talking on his cellphone, smoothing things over as only he could.

A few hours later, the last of the victims had been packed off to the various hospitals and everyone else was sent home - we were all grateful no one lived in the area. That wasn't strictly true, but Blair found places for the homeless to go. He seemed to have all those numbers simply memorized.

I found him ready to bounce out of his seat. His hair was flying, his face was smudged from who knew what, and he was grinning. "Oh, God, Jim. That was exhilarating. All those people!"

"You did a great job, Chief." I sat down and hugged him.

"You certainly did." Simon came walking up. "I don't know how we would have managed without him. You know he got half the university out here?"

"Yeah...with food and blankets." It was amazing what a couple hundred willing kids could do.
 
Blair shrugged. "I did what I could."

"Could you do it again?"

"Excuse me, Simon?"

"Could you do it again? Could you...come work for the department and do this sort of thing?"

"Don't you have people for this? Disaster relief?"

"None who also have ties to non-agency groups. You have connections everywhere."

Blair grinned. "I do, don't I? I could...I could do this. I really could!"

"Excellent. I'll clear this with the commissioner, but I think you'll be back on the payroll soon."

"Um... Simon. I was never *on* the payroll."

"Then you'll be getting a raise." He squeezed Blair's shoulder and left. Blair grinned all the way home to the loft.

********'

Blair dished up the pasta and sauce and brought the bowl and a bottle of wine to the table. I took the wine bottle and poured us both wine as he served out the meal.

"Simon missed you today."

"No one to be a liaison between city services and the PD?"

"That *is* your job, Chief."

"That's one of my jobs." He smiled at me and expertly twirled his spaghetti.

"I know. Simon wants you there full time. You know that. You don't need to keep teaching."

Blair shook his head. "I need the university affiliation right now. They cleared my name, but I need to finish publishing those last couple of papers to justify the doctorate. One more."

"Anyway, you love teaching."

"I love *you*. Right now, you can *have* teaching. Freshman!" He shook his head, but his grin was brilliant. "I'm glad you told me to fight that day. Even if I still can't do that damn Braille."

"I don't know. You did a good job reading me last night." I chuckled.

He tossed a roll at me. Hit me, too.

Copyright 2000 Debra Fran Baker and NightRoads Associates

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