I woke up in your guest bed. The late morning sunlight was
streaming through the window. You were still there in that rocking
chair, the way you said you would be. And you were watching me, the way
you said you would. You saw my eyes open, and you smiled. I felt that
smile all the way across the room. There was warmth there, and safety,
and acceptance. It was more than I could bear, so I hid beneath the
blankets. When I looked out again, you were still there, and still
smiling. I could almost believe your words to me that day in my office
when you spoke of love. I wanted to believe, more than I ever did in
anything before. I wanted to be in love with you.
"Good morning, Agent Mulder." "Agent" sounded more intimate from
your mouth than even my name would.
"Good morning, sir. Sir? Were you there all night?"
"I wouldn't be anywhere else." I believed you.
"I'm sorry, sir. I cost you a night's sleep."
"I can lose some sleep now and again. Especially for you." If we
had been other than ourselves, you would have held me then. Instead,
you just smiled.
Your smile is all the touch I need, but I want so much more. I'm
afraid. I know if I touch you, if I just brush your shoulder with my
hand, it will burn. We will turn to fire. Fire frightens me. You
frighten me, too, with the intensity of your feelings and the way you
make me feel.
I knew it that night in your guest room, when you woke me out of
that nightmare. I saw Scully and my sister lying on those tables,
pregnant and helpless. And I was helpless, as I always am. But your
voice called me out of the darkness. And for the first time in a long
time, I wasn't scared. You were there. That was enough right then.
I'd thought I'd stopped feeling. I had my obsession and my work,
and I didn't need to feel anything more, so I could build walls and live
in solitary. But first she came, and then he came, and now you are
here, and the walls are crashing down and everything I believed in is
lying in pieces on the floor. Can you take the place of an obsession?
I think you have, and that frightens me, too.
You saw the fear in my eyes. I think you can read my thoughts
almost as well as Scully can. I saw the muscles in your arms tense and
relax as if you were going to violate our agreement, but changed your
mind. Both of our careers were in your hands right then. I would
gladly have tossed mine away for a moment there. I was relying on your
strength. I have to rely on the strength of others. I have none of my
own. I use it all on my work and my drives.
"I'd better see about breakfast. I do have to go in today."
"Do I, sir?"
"You are officially on leave, and will remain on leave until your
partner is fit for duty again. You are *never* going into the field
alone if I can help it." There was steel and desperation in your voice.
"You can't keep me wrapped in cotton."
"No. I can only wish I can. Breakfast in a half-hour." And you
were gone from the room, and all the warmth was gone with you.
I found my bag and pulled out some jeans and a t-shirt. I'd spend
the day with Scully if her family let me. Her brother hated me. I
don't blame him. I'd hate anyone who put my sister in danger. I'd hate
anyone who put Scully in danger.
I was upset at your protectiveness, but that's the way I act
towards Scully. It's a mistake, but I can't help it. She's become part
of my life. You realize this, but you aren't jealous. You have
different parts of my life and I have very little of my own left.
I never did have a life, you know. I've been deep in this closet
forever. I lost my virginity to college, to a boy whose name I don't
remember. Some pretty English major in a leather jacket, pretending to
be bad. I always thought that was my type - the pretty punks, the bonny
bad boys I found so irresistible in England.
Just like the one I found so irresistible in DC. They must have
known my weakness when they paired me with Krycek. Even his ugly
haircut couldn't make him ugly. You knew that. I saw you looking at
him when I dragged him to your apartment. Mostly, though, I saw you.
I'd heard rumors about you. I found the gay scene quickly when I
came to DC, and there are always rumors. You were less a part of that
shadow government than I was, and I hung out at the fringes and looked
at the college boys, but even I heard about you. You had more hair and
you were married, but you also had that decidedly non-standard body. It
was beautiful enough that night to drive all thoughts of Krycek out of
my mind. And you didn't question me, either.
I'd left the scene years before Krycek was my partner. My work
became my life, and it didn't make a different who I wasn't having sex
with. I still stayed in that closet like so many others, like Tom
Colton trying to ride his closet up the ranks. A little misdirection
and I was safe.
And then someone paired me with the perfect partner - skeptical,
brilliant, tough. She happened to be female and beautiful. I resented
her for all of one day, maybe. Then I found myself opening up to her
the way I never had to anyone before. Maybe if she'd been male or I'd
been straight there would have been a romance. We *are* best friends,
closer than friends, closer than lovers, closer than siblings. We were
partners. We are partners. Even when someone stole her away and gifted
me with a pretty punk, we were partners. Even after the rat found his
way into my bed. Especially after the bastard cut and run.
And she doesn't know that her partner, the one who demands Truth
and Honesty and Trust, has been lying to her all these years, because at
first I couldn't tell her and then it was irrelevant. But the fact
remains that in order to find a higher truth, I had to live a lie. She
wouldn't betray me, but she would be hurt, and I can't do that to her.
I'm still protecting her. And I'm protecting you. My search may be
over. I've seen too much these last few days. I may have nothing left
to protect, not even a career. But I will not hurt you.
I could smell oatmeal and eggs. I hurried down stairs to find a
table literally groaning with food.
"Have some brunch, Agent Mulder?" You were grinning.
"Do you think there's enough to eat, sir?"
"I do have some alphabet cereal if you want some more."
"The one with marshmallow vowels?" I laughed. It had been a long
time since I laughed. "I'll start with what you have and then we'll
see."
I filled my plate. It had been hours since that midnight meal and
I was hungry.
"I'd better call the cleaning company. If they can get the new
rug installed I can be in my apartment tonight." Did you look
disappointed or relieved? We both knew that if I spent another night
there, it wouldn't be in your guest room. You passed the phone over to
me.
I called the company and made the arrangements. It was only one
carpet, so they'd be finished that day.
"That was fast."
"They know me. I have an account with them." You rolled your
eyes. "They'll even feed my fish. I think I have fish."
"So, you'll be home tonight?"
How would I answer that? That apartment was not my home. I spent
as little time there as I could. It was the place I slept when I slept
in DC, and where I watched my videos. I haven't had a home since I was
twelve. I looked at you. You were solid and safe, and beautiful in a
way that no one, not even Scully, could equal. If I dared, I would let
you be my home. I didn't even dare call you by name.
"Yes, sir."
You got up and began to gather the dishes together. I shooed you
away. I would have taken them from your hands, but that might have
meant touching you. I wanted to touch you. Instead, I rinsed off the
plates and put them in the dishwasher, and tackled the pots.
I think you do love me, which means you think I deserve your love.
Scully loves me, too, but I don't know in what way. I'm afraid to find
out. And I don't know why either of you do. I let both you down, I
ditch you both, I nearly kill Scully, twice. I betray the trust I long
to give you. I run away from it. Yet another cosmic irony - when the
truth comes too close to the heart, I run away. You both fill different
parts of the emptiness inside of me, and I don't know how to live
without that emptiness.
"Thank you, Agent Mulder."
"It was the least I could do. You cooked."
You put on your suit coat. No amount of wool or starched cotton
could hide your shoulders. I wore suits like flimsy armor, to hide my
weakness. You wore them like I wear old sweats.
"Enjoy your day, Agent Mulder, and send my regards to Agent
Scully. Call me when you get back to your apartment"
"I will, sir."
I touched his hand for a moment before he left. It burned.
copyright 1998 Debra Fran Baker and NightRoads Associates
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