Lasting Consequences

Chapter One
**************

*Friday Night*

"Scully!  Stop!"

I hadn't been sleeping, so the screams didn't wake me this time.  I
wrapped my arms around Fox Mulder, who was shaking with terror.

"It's all right, Fox.  I'm here.  Agent Scully's fine.  She's alive and
well and sleeping at home."  Actually, I doubted that last.

"Scully's...dead."  Mulder's words were punctuated by deep, sobbing
breaths.  There were no tears yet.

"You called her two hours ago.  Remember?"

"I did?"  The sleepy eyes sought mine, searching for something.  Truth? 
Reassurance?  I nodded, giving him all I could.

"Yes.  She's fine.  You'll see her in the morning."

"Okay.  But if she's not there, I'll find you."  Mulder tried a weak
smile.  But he still clung tightly to me.  I stroked his hair.

"I won't let anything happen to either one of you, Fox.  Not if I can
stop it.  I love you."

As usual, at those words Mulder buried his head in my shoulder as if he
were trying to hide.  He began to cry.  I held him as he rocked, until
he quieted.  It had been a long night.  It had been a long few days.

"Walter..."  My name still sounded awkward on Mulder's lips, as badly as
"Fox" fit on mine.  

"I'm here."

"Scully isn't asleep, is she?"

"Probably not."

"Neither were you."

"No."

"Oh, God, Walter.  Why don't you let me go home?  You'd get some sleep."

"No, I wouldn't.  I can't forget that first night."

"I'm not suicidal."

I just held him.

                                *   *   *

*Previous Monday Afternoon*

The door closed behind Dana Scully.  I stood and Mulder sat in mutual
shock at her words.  She *knew*.  She knew about the fire burning
between us.  She knew the secret we had been hiding almost from
ourselves.  And she said that no one else did, which could only mean
that she had been keeping it.

Mulder looked up at me.  "Now what?  I feel like a rug's been pulled out
from under us."  


I sat next to Mulder and drew his chair closer.  He closed his eyes for
a moment.  "So do I.  Fox."  I had never called Mulder that before; I
knew Mulder disliked his first name.  Mulder smiled.  A glorious Mulder
smile, like the sun coming from behind a cloud for a second and, as
quickly, hidden.  

"I..we...have so much invested in staying apart and playing safe.  Okay,
my partner knows something.  Maybe everything.  Now what do we do?  Oh,
God, sir!  We can't go backwards into nothing."

"No, we can't.  And I'm tired of playing this damn game.  Especially
now."  I slowly reached for Mulder's hands as they fidgeted in his lap. 
Mulder watched my hands move towards him.

It was like capturing two baby birds.  I held his hands gently, stroking
them lightly, calming their frantic movement.  It was not the way I'd
expected this first mutual touch to be.  There was no fire, no flair of
arousal.  Instead, there was relief and fear and tenderness, all mixed
in with Mulder's pain and confusion.  

Today, Mulder had witnessed his partner shoot herself in the head and
lie in a pool of her own blood.  Today he saw another woman hold a gun
to him; held a gun on her.  Today, his partner all but betrayed him in
the concern she and I had felt for him.  And now, with the woman who
caused all of this dead by that same partner, and the case solved for
good, all Mulder felt was empty.  That's what he had said.  There had
been nothing Scully or I could say that eased it.

I had been paralyzed.  I'd wanted to take Mulder in my arms, but we were
denying ourselves that to preserve ourselves and our careers.  Now
Scully had freed us with her words.  And I had not thought past that
moment.

"I could have killed her today."

"You didn't."

"I've almost killed her three times.  Three times!"

"And all three times you've refrained."

"Because of *her.*  She saved herself.  I'm useless."

"You solved the case.  You determined who the killer was.  We didn't
believe you, but you were right."

"And I walked right into her trap."  Was Mulder crying?

"Fox...don't."  I got up and put my arms around him.  He buried his head
on my shoulder.   The position was awkward as hell, but it also felt
right to let Mulder weep into me.  I stroked the his back and, without
thinking about it, dropped kisses onto his soft hair.  I felt Mulder's
lips on my neck.  

  We stayed like that for a while, until Mulder was calm enough to
loosen his grip.

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Walter."

"Walter.  I'm still sorry."

"Today was very stressful.  It would be odd if your emotions weren't
raw."

Mulder scrubbed at his eyes.  "The last few minutes have had their own
emotions."

I nodded.  "I know.  My own emotions aren't too stable, either.  Except
for one."  I looked straight at Mulder's eyes.  "I love you, Fox.  Right
or wrong, smart or stupid, I love you."  Mulder needed honesty.  

"Is this the part when you sweep me off my feet and carry me to a
romantic hideaway?"

"Only in my dreams, Mulder.  I want you in my bed, but it's not going to
happen tonight."

"No?"  Mulder gave me a look that would have been smoldering if his eyes
hadn't been wet and red.

"Tonight, Agent Mulder my love, you will go home, eat a real meal and
sleep, and try to forget about today."

He looked stricken.  "*All* of today?"

"No.  Just the part that makes you feel empty."

A nod.  "And us?"

"Don't worry, Fox.  I *will* get you to that romantic hideaway."

"When?"  Something in his voice told me he wasn't joking this time.

"Very soon, I promise.  Just not tonight.  Go home, Agent Mulder.  I'll
see you tomorrow."

Mulder nodded.  He let me release his hands and we both stood up.  
"No kiss goodbye?"  I couldn't read his face, but I could guess.

I grinned.  "You don't get away that easily."   Mulder fit perfectly in
my arms as we embraced.  I brought Mulder's head down to meet my lips. 
For a moment, I lost myself in the kiss.  Then, summoning all of my
control, I broke away with a final apologetic peck on Mulder's cheek.

"Go home, Fox.  Take care of yourself.  For me."

Mulder nodded, grinned, kissed my nose and left the office.

I sat down at my desk and looked at the papers waiting for my perusal. 
I pushed them away and called the basement office.

"Scully."  The woman who held my career in her hands.  This was crazy.

"Agent Scully?  This is Skinner.  That must have been a difficult thing
to do."

"It needed to be done, sir."

"You are a wise woman.  Mulder should be down there soon.  I've sent him
home.  Can you make sure he gets there, or at least leaves?"

"I'll try, sir."

"While you're at it, why don't you leave as well?  Your day hasn't been
much less stressful."

"Thank you, sir.  If I may...nor has yours."

"I have work to finish. You do not.  Go home, Agent Scully."

"Yes, sir.  But...take care of yourself."

"Good-bye, Agent Scully."

"Good-bye, sir."

I replaced the phone and stared at the paperwork again.  Instead of
working, I closed my eyes.

"What have I gotten myself into?"  I asked the empty office.  Of course,
I thought, it was possible someone had heard me anyway.  How could I be
so stupid as to kiss Mulder in the office?  What was done, was done. 
Assuming we still had careers, all I had to do was figure out how to
carve a secret relationship with a man watched by everyone and haunted
by demons of his own creation.  At least it wouldn't be boring.


Chapter Two
***************
 
Two hours later, I gave up on finishing the day's collection of papers
and went home.  I told myself not to call Mulder for a while.  He didn't
want me to mother him - that was Scully's job.  I had other plans for
Mulder.  Idiotic plans, given the risks, but plans nevertheless.  

For a moment, I let the fantasies wash over me.  I tried dressing Mulder
in black leather, but my mind resisted.  It made him look too much like
all those anonymous men I'd picked up in bars, and Mulder was nothing
like them.  Mulder was like no one else on Earth.

Other visions came.  Mulder, smiling across my kitchen table.  I thought
I would do anything just for a promise of one of his smiles.  Mulder
laughing. I'd never seen Mulder laugh.  I needed to see him laugh.

Mulder, sweaty and flushed with passion in my bed.  Mulder, relaxed and
happy, leaning against me and staring at a fire.  Mulder tanned and
beautiful at a beach, a simple gold ring hanging from a chain around his
neck.  

Most wonderful, most seductive, most dangerous of all - Mulder confident
and elegant in a tuxedo and on my arm at some State department function,
that same ring gleaming from his left hand.

At that moment I believed that Mulder's happiness was more important
than my own.


I'd just pulled a couple of frozen dinners out of the microwave when my
phone rang.

"Skinner."

"Sir, it's me.  Scully.  How soon can you get to Mulder's apartment?" 
Her whisper sounded urgent, rushed.

"Thirty minutes this time of night.  Scully, what's wrong?"

"Come quickly, sir.  He needs you.  I don't know how long I can manage. 
He's...holding his gun."

I had already grabbed my jacket.  "I'm on my way, Scully.  Do you want
me to call the police?"

"I don't know.  No.  Not yet."

I fought the urge to speed all the way to Mulder's apartment.  I did not
want to risk getting pulled over.  That would waste more time than
speeding would save.  Or so I told myself.  Perhpas I was just afraid of
what I'd see.  Instead, I prayed.  I wasn't certain Who was hearing my
prayers, though, since it seemed that God had forgotten Mulder a long
time ago.

The apartment door was unlocked.  I opened it.  

Mulder was sitting on one side of his couch.  His feet were on the
cushion and his arms were wrapped around his knees.  He was rocking. 
His eyes were wild.  His weapon was in his hand.  The safety was off. 
It was pointed to his head.  

That scene seared itself into my memory.

Scully was sitting on the couch.  Her eyes were red and she was
breathing heavily.  She was reaching towards Mulder, but he kept pulling
away.

"No, Scully.  I gave you the time.  It's up now."

"Time for what, Fox?"  Mulder jumped at the sound of my voice.  Scully
grabbed the gun and pulled the clip.  Sobbing with relief, she collapsed
onto the couch.  Meanwhile, I'd managed to get to the sofa behind Mulder
and wrap my arms around him before he could take the weapon back.

"No!"  The scream cut through my heart.  Mulder tried to fight me, but I
just held on.  "Let me go!"

"No.  You can't fight me, Fox.  You don't want to fight me."

"Don't make me stay here."

"It will get better.  I promise.  Just let us help you."

"Scully?"  He became still.

"I'm here, Mulder.  We're both here for you."

"You're all right?"

"I'm fine, Mulder.  I'm right here."

"I'm scared.  All I can see is you on the floor."  He clutched at my
arms.

"I was never on that floor.  Linda Bowman made you see it."

"I know that in my head, but I don't *believe* it.  I could have killed
you."

"But you didn't."

"I could have.  I've come so close so many times.  What if somebody else
succeeds?  Makes me believe you're a clone or something?"

"You will not kill me, Mulder.  I won't let you."  Scully's voice was
calm and certain.

His eyes went wide.  "Scully, if it ever comes to that...kill me first." 
I tightened my grip.

"I won't kill you, Mulder.  It will never be necessary."

"You shot me once."

"I won't kill you, and I won't let you kill yourself.  You are my
partner and my best friend and I will not let anyone harm you.  Not even
yourself."  Now her voice contained steel.  

I believed her.  If anyone could make certain of that, the woman sharing
the couch with us could.  Thank God she was on our side.

"Fox?"

"Yes?"

"Why?  Why did I come here and find you pointing a gun at yourself?"

"Because I don't want to point it at anyone else.  And I don't want to
remember.  Please, let go of me.  Let me...let me go to sleep."  He was
crying now.  "Let me not have to think about everything and everyone
going wrong.  Let me not have to dream.  Let me..."  I twisted him in my
arms and let him sob against me.  I looked at Scully over Mulder's head. 
She met my eyes straight on.   Then she got up, found her bag and began
to rummage through it as I murmured comfortingly to Mulder.   She found
what she was looking for - a prescription bottle.  She showed it to me. 
It was for a tranquilizer, it was made out to Fox Mulder in her name and
it was dated that day.  She went into the kitchen and brought back a cup
of water.

Slowly, Mulder's sobs quieted, until he was lying still and exhausted on
my chest.  Scully took out two of the pills.  

"Mulder?"

"Yeah?"

"I want you to take these."

"I don't want to."

"It's the only way you're going to sleep tonight."

"I don't want to sleep.  I'll dream of today."

"I'll give you enough so you won't dream tonight."

"Fox...take the pills."  I used my Assistant Director voice.  Not that
it ever worked on Mulder before, but it was worth trying.

"Why are you taking her side?"

"Because she's right."

"Scully's always right.  Except for when she's wrong."

"She's not wrong now.  Take the pills."

"If I don't?"

"Mulder, if you don't take the pills, we will call 911 and have you
taken to a psych ward on a suicide watch.  We should do that any way." 
I could see her hands tremble at those words, but whatever she was
feeling did not touch her voice.

He sat up, still enclosed in my arms.  "What?"

"You admit you're suicidal.  This isn't the first time you've wanted to
kill yourself."  I looked at her sharply.  What did she know?  Scully
knew everything.  "If we don't have you admitted knowing this and you
take your life, it's our moral responsibility.  If we call 911, it will
be on your record forever.  It's your choice."

"If I take the pills?"

"If you take the pills, Agent Scully and I will stay here for the rest
of the night and we will see how you are in the morning."

"I won't see an agency shrink.  I have to watch what I say to them.  Now
more than ever."  Damn.  That was too true.  The sessions were supposed
to be confidential, but it all went on the record.

"Mulder, we'll talk about this in the morning.  Take the pills."

He held out his hands and took the medicine and the water.  Afterwards,
he opened his mouth wide.

"See?  I took them like a good little boy."

The dosage must have been high, since within minutes Mulder was snuggled
up on me, fast asleep.  He felt like a rag doll in my arms.

"He always looks so young like that.  Until the dreams start, I mean." 
Scully was serious.


What was she admitting?  "Are you sure you want to talk about this,
Agent Scully?"  She didn't seem to hear me.

"Mulder doesn't sleep much, unless he's utterly exhausted or sick, or
drugged.  That's one of the reasons he hates hospitals - they drug him
every night.   He hates drugs."  She looked embarrassed and guilty.

"We had to do it, Agent Scully.  Dana."

"I know.  That doesn't make it pleasant."

"No, it doesn't.  You had that filled today.  I didn't know you could do
that."

"Because my practice is limited to dead people?"

"Yes."  I managed a grin.

"It *was* limited to dead people.  Over the past few years, I've treated
a number of live ones.  Mulder in particular.  I made sure I could write
scrips for him."  She patted his hand.

"What happened here, Dana?"

"Dana." She shook her head. "Sometimes I wonder if that's my name
anymore.  What happened?  You sent both us of home early after an
especially trying day.  Mulder was looking happy but very agitated when
he came down to the office to pick up his stuff.  

"I know Mulder. I know how he reacts after events like this.  He can't
sleep or he has nightmares.  He used to sleep on the floor in my motel
rooms, did you know that?"  

"I knew he had nightmares.  Are you sure you should be saying all this?"

She smiled at that.  "It didn't happen often, but it did happen. 
Usually after one of us had a bad dream.  Oh, yes.  I get nightmares,
too.  Mine come from the last few years.  Mulder's come from being
Mulder.  The FBI's prize basketcase.  I shouldn't say that.  Not to
you."

"I love that basketcase.  God help me, but I do."  Now it was my turn to
make admissions, except that Scully already knew everything anyway.  I
stroked his sleeping head.  Scully didn't even blink.  She did chuckle.

"I know.  I love him, too, the bastard.  Anyway, I know he hates drugs,
but maybe if he were feeling bad enough he'd take a sleeping pill
tonight.  So I decided to get him some and bring them over.  It was an
excuse of sorts.  I wanted to check up on him."

"And you found him..."

"I found him playing with a loaded gun in his hand.  Turns out he tried
to call me while I was running my errand.  My cellphone was off and he
couldn't reach me.  He decided that he had seen me die and he'd killed
me and he couldn't face it.  He couldn't face you, either."

"I guess not."  I was jealous, but at least she was there for him.

"He didn't quite see me when I walked in the door.  I turned on my
cellphone and called you and began bargaining for time.  Literally. 
Five minutes.  Ten minutes.  Twenty minutes.  Thirty minutes.  I was
praying that you would arrive when you said.  He kept insisting that I
was dead and that I was just his imagination and that he didn't want to
face the X-files without me."

"He's very dependent on you."

"I'm dependent on him, and I'm not sure how healthy that is.  I'm glad
you're part of his life now."

"How did you know?  Fox was convinced you didn't know anything, and he
was wracked with guilt over that."

"Mulder likes feeling guilty.  It makes him feel in control of things. 
I knew ... almost immediately.  Little things that added up.  And then
Krycek showed up and you never saw such a lovesick puppy.  I was
amazingly jealous.  He was *my* partner, and that rat even got to sleep
with him.  I'm not blind, you know.  Purgatory is being stuck with an
absolutely gorgeous partner who is brilliant and who respects you as an
intelligent human being and having him be both nuts and gay."  She
sighed dramatically.  "And then you two...I'm surprised that the whole
agency isn't talking about you two.  I hope this works for you.  I'll do
what I can to help."

"You're not jealous?"

"Are you?"

"Right now, I'm worried."

"So am I."

Something felt off.  "Dana? How much did you give him?  He's not
moving!"

Scully felt for a pulse.

"He's fine.  He's just down very deep.  His heart's beating quite
nicely.  I didn't want him to dream tonight.  Why don't we stretch him
out on the couch?  That might feel nice now, but you are going to want
to move sometime tonight."

"Good idea.  I hate leaving him, though."  

"He'll be fine.  I suggest that we not leave him alone like this,
though.  Damn.  He should be in a hospital tonight."

"Do you really think so?"  If she'd said yes, we'd do it.  I was
relieved when she shook her head.

"He'd never forgive us.  I won't do that to him.  Besides, this we can
keep out of his jacket.  Let's get him settled."  

It took both of us, but we managed to get him fully horizontal and
supported by the couch instead of by me.  Scully even managed to find a
blanket and a pillow somewhere.  Not from the bedroom.  The bed was
covered in so much junk that I wondered why he bothered owning one.

We had a brief discussion about dinner.  Scully ended up ordering pizza. 
I noticed it was number four on the speed dial.  Number one was her. 
Number two was his mother.  Number three was Chinese.  Mulder didn't
cook.  I must have been trying to distract myself by worrying about this
nonsense.

The rest of that night passed slowly.  This was the first time I'd
gotten to know Scully as more than just the partner of my problem agent. 
We finished the pizza and took turns keeping Mulderwatch.  When we were
both awake, we chatted about...things.  Music, sports teams, the
military, Mulder and his obsessions, agency gossip.  Scully was a font
of agency gossip.  She knew everyone and everyone spoke to her.   

As the drugs began to wear off, Mulder's sleep became more restless. 
Scully vetoed the idea of waking him to take an additional dose, so
someone had to be awake at all times.  Twice, Mulder almost fell off the
couch.  Finally, I sat under Mulder's head and held him.  Thus secure, I
dozed off.  

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