Lasting Consequences

Chapter Seven
**************

As I rocked my lover, a thought came to me.

"Fox?"

"Yeah?"  Mulder's voice was muffled against my chest.

"Do you believe you'll see Scully in the morning?"

"No.  And not because tonight's Friday."

"All this time, and you still don't believe she's alive?"

"No.  I can't make myself believe it.  Walter, help me.  I can't live
like this."

"Like what?"  I kept my voice carefully neutral.

"I know in my head that Scully is alive, but the rest of me says she
isn't.  I can't live with that.  Walter, give me the damn pill so I can
at least sleep."

This was the first time Mulder had asked for a pill.  Mulder hated drugs
like this.  He'd been complaining all week that the pills at night were
making him fuzzy during the day.  But he needed to sleep.  I gave him
the pill, and, at his request, held him until he drifted off.

I remained awake for several long moments.  These past few days had been
hell.  The pills did make Mulder fuzzy.  His performance at work was
suffering.  So were Scully's and mine because we weren't sleeping and we
were worrying.

Mulder wasn't eating.  He was losing weight he couldn't afford.  I could
feel the difference.  Scully said that stress and the pills were
affecting his appetite.   He was exercising compulsively.  I got dizzy
watching him run round and round the track in the bureau gym.  He seemed
to live on sunflower seeds.

It was hell, but it was also heaven.  I had Mulder in my bed.  I had
Mulder in my arms.  I had Mulder in my house.  I could cook him meals,
even if Mulder only picked at them.  I could go food shopping with him. 
I could hold him while we watched television.  I could kiss him good
morning and good night.  I could make love with him.  I could hold vast
free-wheeling discussions on aliens, conspiracies, basketball and
sixties rock and roll with him.   

Mulder was still in drugged sleep when I woke for the day.  God, he was
beautiful.  I tore himself away long enough to do some weights and
shower.  I decided to call Scully and invite her for brunch.  Five days
of hell were too much.  We had to figure *something* out.  Scully
agreed.  So did Mulder when he finally roused himself. 

Scully arrived promptly at eleven.  By twelve thirty, we were down to
coffee and pastries and ready to talk about our problem.  By one, we
were completely frustrated.

"This is insane.  I'm insane.  Lock me up."  Mulder looked almost wild
as he paced around the room.

"Mulder, I will not accept that."  Scully glared at him.

"You were all for locking me up Monday."

"Monday I was terrified.  You've managed to survive this week."

"Thanks to Walter."  My lover gave me a smile.  "Now I'm terrified.  I
can't live my life this way.  Not even with you."

Scully rubbed her eyes.  "Let's take this again from the top.  It
started Monday night, after the warehouse."  

Mulder stood still.

"We're starting too late.  Start earlier."

She looked up.  "When?"

"When Walter took my gun.  You backed him up."  I grinned to myself as
he glared at me.

"We were worried, Fox.  You'd just been with Modell.  We had no idea
what lasting effects he could cause....Lasting effects."  I stopped
short.  Oh, God.

"Yes!  Don't you see?  You were right!  Modell or Modell and Bowman did
something to me.  They put something inside my mind.  Two somethings. 
Yes.  Modell put the need to kill myself there.  I'm *not* suicidal, but
something in my head wants me to be."  He clutched at his skull.

"Mulder...what's the other something?"  Scully's voice was insistent,
intense.  She knew the answer.  I thought I did, as well.

He sat down and put his face in his hands.  "Bowman.  You.  She put you
in my mind.  You lying on the floor in your own blood.  Otherwise, why
would I believe you are dead?  I can see you in front of me.  I can call
you whenever I want.  I should not believe you are dead.  I don't
believe you are dead.  Not now."  

"No, Mulder.  It's ... it's daytime.  During the day, you have no
problems with reality."

He looked up.  I could see the light dawning in his eyes.  "Yes! 
Nighttime must be the trigger.  It can't be nightmares.  I hadn't gone
to sleep yet Monday night.  Oh, God, Scully, if you hadn't brought those
damn pills, I'd be dead now."  I just sat back and watched my agents at
work.  It was a beautiful sight.

"If it weren't for Walter, you'd be dead now, you mean."

"I know."  There was that smile again.  That was yet another beautiful
sight.

"So, now we know what we're up against.  You can fight it now."  Scully
smiled, too.

"Can I?  I've been fighting.  No.  No, I haven't been.  I've been
calling you and I've been taking those damn pills and I've been letting
them take over my life.  Oh, God.  I've felt my life slipping from my
hands these past few days.  It's been sheerest hell.  Or most it has
been.  Some of it..."  He reached for my hand.  I nodded.

"I think you're right, Mulder.  We have to fight it."

"Yes.  Tonight.  No drugs, no hand-holding, just me and the two pushers
in my head.  God, as if I didn't have enough demons fighting it out in
there."

"Tell me about it, Mulder."  It was good to see them laugh.  But that
plan of their's was something else.

"Do you think it's a good idea, Fox?"  I certainly didn't.  Not then.

"I think it's the only idea."  

"You could lose.  Maybe we should find some other way."  

"I'd rather lose than live like this, even with you."  Mulder was deadly
serious.   I could feel the rage rising in me.

"I won't let you do it."  

"You won't let me?  You couldn't stop me."

"Why won't you let him, Walter?"

"Stay out of this, Dana."

"He may be your lover, but he's my partner.  And he's right.  I don't
want him to lose, either, but look at him.  Look at him, Walter."

I looked.  I saw the circles under Mulder's eyes, matched by those under
Scully's and, I suspected, my own.  I saw his lank hair and dull eyes
and the t-shirt that hung from his narrow shoulders, and the extra
notches in his belt.

"I see him."  I took his hand. "Do you think you're strong enough, Fox?" 

"If I wait, I'll be weaker.  It's now or never.  Why are you fighting
this?  What is wrong with you, Walter?  Do you want me like this
forever?"  Mulder pulled his hand away.  "You do.  You want me like
this.  Weak and dependent and obedient.  You know where I am all the
time.  You can control me like this.  If I get over this, I'll be back
the way I was, and you couldn't keep me any more.  I wouldn't be your
docile little bed partner anymore."  

Scully looked decidedly embarrassed.  She got up to leave, but Mulder
put a hand on her arm, and she sat down again.

"No.  It's not that.  I want..."  What did I want?   

"Yes?  Walter, do you want me to be your lover or your pet?  Your rent
boy?"

If Mulder got well, he'd go home.  He wouldn't be there in my bed.  He
wouldn't need me anymore.  

"I don't want to lose you.  I love you, and you have never said that you
loved me back."  

"Walter, I don't *know* if I love you.  How can I know?  I'm not me
right now.  I can tell you this - if I survive this, I'll still want to
be with you.  I'll still need you.  And maybe I'll know the rest of it."

"You love Scully."

"Scully's my partner.  She's my best friend.  I honestly don't think I
could function at work without her anymore.  They don't come stronger or
smarter or better than she is.  She's saved my ass more times than I can
count, and all I've done is risked hers."

"Shut up, Mulder."

"Obviously, she loves me, too.  This, this is too soon, and I'm a bigger
mess than usual.  I don't know.  I don't know how we can even have a
relationship with the bureau the way it is, but I know that I want to
try.  But first I need to do this, and you need not to try to stop me."

"I have to let you do this."  I resigned myself to the inevitable.

"Not 'let.'  I'm not asking permission.  I'm just doing it."

I was losing control of the situation and my emotions.  But the choice
was that or losing Mulder.  And Mulder was now the most important thing
in my life, the way my job or Sharon had never been.  I had no choice. 
I had to let things ride, and risk losing it all.  So, why did I feel so
relieved?  What weight had I just released?

I nodded once.  "What do you want us to do?"

Chapter Eight
***************

We were in Mulder's apartment.  We arrived with bags of Chinese food and
some new fish.  Mulder's last batch had died a couple of weeks ago. 
Scully also had her gun.  We did not have any of those "damn pills."

The three of us sat on the floor and pretended to eat dinner, but no one
had any appetite.  Mulder could not keep still.  He dribbled his
basketball and fidgeted with anything he could find.  When he did sit,
he went from demanding to be cuddled to rocking.  I was tempted to knock
him over the head.  Scully just rolled her eyes.

"It's nice to see him relaxed."

"You have to be joking, Dana."

She just smiled.  I wondered what I had let into my life.  Maybe *I* was
insane.

We were about to turn on the television when Mulder changed.  He began
to pace and mutter to himself.  I was all too familiar with those
symptoms.

"It's starting."  I began to get up.

"Let him be, Walter.  It's *his* fight."

"I wish..."

"So do I.  All we can do is pray."

I nodded.  It was hard, but I stayed where I was.

Mulder screamed.  Scully and I jumped.

"Why are you here?  You're dead!"

"I'm not dead, Mulder."  Scully kept her voice calm, but she held my arm
tightly.

"You're dead.  I saw you die.  I have to go with you.  You're my
partner.  I have to follow you."

"No.  That's not me you see.  It's a picture Linda Bowman put into your
head.  It's not me.  I'm alive."

"Linda Bowman?  Yes!  I feel her.  She's dead."

"Yes, she's dead, and I'm alive.  She's dead and her brother is dead and
they can't hurt you any more."

"She's dead.  He's dead.  I feel them.   They want me to be with them."

"Don't listen to them.  They can't do anything."

"My pills!  I want my pills!  Walter!"

"No, Fox.  No pills.  We're here, but there are no pills."

"Someone please, stop them.  Help me stop them!"  Mulder collapsed on
the floor, his hands over his head.  I looked at Scully - she was in as
much pain as I was.  Mulder began to cry. I ached to go over and
hold him.

Scully got up and knelt beside him.  I joined her on the other side. 
Mulder had told us not to touch him.  He had to fight this alone.  He
needed our voices, but unless he was going to hurt himself, we were not
to touch him.  I had spent all those months deliberately not touching
him.  I had to call on all his strength not to do so again.  Scully
seemed to be having as difficult a time.  She had her arms wrapped
tightly against her body.

"Hear me, Mulder.  It's Scully.  I'm here for you."

He just sobbed wordlessly.  

"It's all right, Fox.  We're both here for you.  We both love you."

"Yes.  We do, and we know you will win."

Mulder didn't answer.  Eventually, he sobbed himself out and fell into
an exhausted sleep.  I made some coffee.  We didn't dare sleep this
night.  We'd sleep tomorrow, when it was over and we could put our lives
back together.  If we could.  My life was sleeping in a ball on the
floor, at least for the moment.

The next moment, Mulder was screaming again.  He was still asleep.

"Should we wake him?"

Scully shook her head.  "No.  He couldn't win in a waking state.  Let
him push them out of his dreams.  I think maybe that's where they're
living."

"He hasn't been dreaming much.  Those pills."

"I know."

"He asked for them last night."

Scully nodded.  "He was starting to get addicted.  Another few days, and
it would have been a physical addiction.  He would have hated that.  It
would have given him one more reason to die."

"That bad?"

"His father was an alcoholic and his mother took Valium.  That's one
reason why he never got drunk or took any pill he could avoid.  Until
now."

"I hate getting drunk, too."

"You hate losing control.  Mulder hates losing reality.  I hate
embarrassing myself."  She smiled for a moment, until Mulder moaned
again.  Then he surprised us by quieting.  I had to do something, so I
got a blanket and draped it over my lover.  It was a poor substitute for
an embrace, but it was the best I could do.

Things were calm for a short time.  Then Mulder seemed to wake up,
except that he didn't appear to see us.  He did see Scully's gun,
though, lying on the table.  As we watched, horrified, he grabbed it and
cradled it in his arms.  He held it to his head.  He held it there a
long time.  His hand began to tremble with tension.  Then, with a
tremendous effort, he threw the gun across the room, and collapsed
again.  We began to breathe.

Mulder, still in that odd state, sat on the floor, his arms wrapped
around his knees, and rocked.  He began repeating the word "No" over and
over again.  This seemed to calm him, and he seemed to sleep again.

Over and over again that night the cycle continued.  First a nightmare,
then a suicide attempt with Scully's gun, which always ended with the
gun halfway across the apartment, then rocking, then sleep.  Each time,
the cycle was different.  He shouted different things, he aimed the gun
at different parts of his body, he repeated different monosyllables. 
After midnight, the changes were more drastic.  There was a note of
triumph in the shouting and he began to aim the gun at the air instead,
although he still didn't pull the trigger.  Mulder was winning whatever
battle he was fighting in his mind.  I could hope again.

Then, around 2 in the morning, the biggest change came.  He seemed to be
pushing something out of him.  I could see every muscle in his body
tense with the effort. His own body ached in sympathy.  Then, it
happened.  Mulder screamed "OUT!" and then relaxed, with a smile on his
face.  And fell deeply asleep on the floor next to Scully's gun.


"Thank God.  I think it's over."

"I hope so, Walter.  That gun was a tremendous risk."

"I'm just glad it isn't loaded."

"I'm glad his subconscious didn't realize that."  

"You were right.  He needed to fight this his way.  I just wanted him
safe.  We could have lost him tonight, Dana."

"We didn't have him all this week.  He's back now."

"That really wasn't him, was it?  It scares me how much I liked him like
that."

"You fell in love with Mulder as he is.  I doubt you'll miss last week's
robot."

"My house is going to feel empty.  When I think about being without him,
I stop breathing."

"You have it bad."

After what we had been through that night, that week, it seemed natural
to talk this way with her.  She had become my friend as much as she was
Mulder's.

"Yeah.  It would be wonderful if he returned it."

"He does.  He just doesn't know it.  Give him time and space."

"I'd give him anything if I knew he'd come back to me."

"It's too soon for this, Walter.  I'm so tired.  The adrenaline and the
coffee have worn off."  She climbed on the futon.  "Wake me in an hour,
and then you can sleep."

Scully was a wise woman.  I was not about to go to sleep now.  Not when
I could watch Mulder's first non-drugged sleep in days.  She was a wise
woman and a good friend, and I was glad she was Mulder's partner.  She'd
keep him alive for me  I sat down next to my lover.

An hour later, I thought about letting Scully finish the night, but
decided that she'd load her gun and kill me the next morning if I did. 
Even so, I didn't expect to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the
couch.  And so the rest of the last night of the siege passed as the
first one did, with heart to heart confidences and keeping watch.  But
this was full of hope instead of fear.

Chapter Nine
***************

I had taken the last watch, but I must have dozed off.  I woke, stiff
and still tired, to bright sunlight and an empty room.

"Fox!"

"Good morning, Walter.  Mulder's out getting breakfast."  Scully
answered me from the kitchen.  She came out with a couple of cups of
coffee.

"You let him out on his own so soon?"  Unbelievable.  I took the cup she
offered me.

"Yes.  Otherwise last night was wasted."  Why did she always have to be
right about things like that?  "Or so Mulder convinced me."  That was
better.  Mulder had his old charm back.

"You're both right, you know.  He needs to be independent."

"He'll come back to you, Walter.  I know it.  And then you'll have all
the fun of maintaining a secret relationship."

"Don't remind me."

"I'll help.  I have a big stake in seeing both of you happy."

"Dana?  When are you going to find someone for yourself?"

"How can I?  You're taken,  Mulder's Mulder and Pendrell's dead. 
There's no one else."

"What about Fox's lunatic friends?"

"No.  They make him look sane."

"Make who look sane?"  Mulder came in, sweaty from a run and bearing a
sack of bagels.

"You.  Walter's trying to get me settled."

"Frohike's willing."

"If I ever said yes to him, I think he'd faint.  Did you get cinnamon
raisin bagels?"

"Just what the doctor ordered.  I even found cheesecake cream cheese."

"Yum."  Scully's eyes lit up.  "It may be laden with cholesterol, but I
earned it."  She took the bag into the kitchen.

Mulder sat down on his couch.  He looked at me and patted the seat next
to him.  I joined him.

"Walter, we need to talk."

"Yes, we do."

"What you and Scully did for me this past week...I can't repay it."

"You don't owe us a thing."

"I owe you my life and my sanity.  Such as both are."  He rubbed his
hand through his hair.  "Walter.  I don't want to go back to the way
things were before." I opened my mouth.  Mulder put his hand over my
lips, so I kissed it.  He grinned.  "Let me finish.  These last few days
were a nightmare.  They were also the happiest days I've had in years." 
He smiled that smile.  "I loved being with you. I loved making love with
you.  I loved playing house with you.  I even loved - I especially loved
being taken care of by you.  It would be so easy to fall into that. 
Convince myself I deserved it."

"I would love to take care of you forever, but that would kill you."  I
knew that for the truth it was.  

"Yes.  What a way to go.  Being cherished to death.  I need to put
myself back together, Walter.  And I hope...I more than hope...that 
when I do, you're there, part of me.  But, if you're not..."

I grew cold. "I hope I am.  I love you, Fox.  I hope you can love me,
too."

"Wait for me, Walter.  I think I'll find my way back to you."

I prayed he would.
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