Obi-Wan stood by the pyre. He watched the flames engulf the form of his Master, and wondered why he never realized the depths of his feelings for the man who had shaped his life before it was too late. He'd been a fool.
The flames rose and the heat became intense, but he refused to back away, accepting this pain, almost needing it to balance the new one being birthed in his soul.
Using the Force, he could see across the city if he needed to.
Looking at a person, he could see inner strength or beauty or the ugliness people tried to hide.
But now he knew that he'd been blind.
Fire.
He stared at the fire.
Flames warmed and soothed, or raged and destroyed.
Like the Force itself, fire could be used for good or evil.
There had been a night, years ago - how many years? He had to think about it.
Nearly three years now.
There had been a fire that night, badly needed, almost desperately needed.
Without closing his eyes, Obi-Wan Kenobi allowed the scorching light of the flames to carry him into the memory that tormented him.
***
It had been the coldest night he'd ever experienced.
When Senator Terrancka of Fay're Four had been kidnapped from his home, the Jedi Council had, as requested by the planetary government, sent their best team to retrieve him.
Trapped in the middle portion of their long year-cycle, the planet was basically frozen over. Oceans and land were both crusted with ice. No one moved on Fay're Four during the long night, as the natives called it.
Which meant that the Senator had been taken by off-worlders or that some faction of his opponents had lost their minds.
There wasn't even any help available to the Jedi, which had angered Qui-Gon, though he hid it well.
Three days into the search, the unrelenting darkness grating on their nerves, the pair was forced to land the hover vehicle they were using to track the kidnappers when the power pack failed.
There was a spare, but it would require hours to charge up. In the meantime the interior of the hover became unbearably cold, the metal surrounding them leeching the warmth from their bodies.
"We must find shelter," Qui-Gon told his apprentice calmly, packing them a bag.
"I've scanned the area, there is a somewhat protected spot two kilometers west," Obi-Wan answered. Although he hadn't been expecting this, his Master expected him to consider all possibilities and prepare for them, so scanning for potential escape routes or shelter was second nature. He received an approving smile for the effort now.
Bundled up with extra cloaks over heavy parkas of native fur, they left the safety of the hover and walked into the cold.
Surprisingly, it was beautiful.
The dark sky sparkled with an abundance of stars, their light undiminished, no city lights to interfere with the view. There were no clouds, no snow. Just the fierce grip of the cold to tell them the danger they were in.
Walking behind his Master, protected from the scouring wind by the taller, broader form, Obi-Wan thanked the Force, again, for Qui-Gon.
If his Master had not taken him as Padawan, he would have never seen this planet, or this night.
The shelter he had found was an outcropping of rock that formed a rough triangle about six feet high, the top open to the sky. Inside there was just enough room to sit side-by-side and start a small fire with the fuel pellets Qui-Gon had packed. They burned hot and long.
After the fire was started and the rocks around them began to warm slightly - which meant the ice slid off them - Obi-Wan leaned back and tilted his head up to the stars.
"I've never seen so many," he said, mildly surprised.
"This is a densely packed galaxy," Qui-Gon agreed, sounding like a teacher. It made Obi-Wan laugh softly, and his Master smiled at him. "I spoke to the Council before the ship powered down. You were busy trying to find us a place to land." He sounded the same as always; calm, collected. Controlled.
"Yes?" Looking directly at him, Obi-Wan could see no sign of distress, but that did not mean the news was good.
"Intelligence operatives lead the Council to believe that Senator Terrancka was taken by his own people. There is a faction that has publicly committed themselves to preventing the completion of the trade negotiations that will be brought up in the next session."
"I see." There was more, he knew."
"This means that they will be willing to go to desperate lengths to prevent his recovery," Qui-Gon concluded.
"Including killing him and themselves," Obi-Wan guessed.
"And anyone who finds them."
A silence fell. It wasn't broken by anything. The wind was silent, the fuel pellets burned without a crackle.
It seemed that Obi-Wan could hear the stars twinkle.
"Dangerous missions are nothing new," he said at last, glad of the warning.
"There is something new to discuss, Padawan."
It wasn't the words...the words were just average, everyday words, strung together in a sentence.
It was the voice that spoke them.
Sitting up slowly, almost frightened, Obi-Wan considered the voice and felt his master's eyes upon him.
What could make Qui-Gon sound that way? So ...lost and frightened?
Never frightened. Not his Master.
"Something new?" he offered, suddenly unsure.
"Yes." Moving with the silent grace that was his trademark, Qui-Gon rose to his knees and put his hands on the rock to either side of Obi-Wan's head, framing him.
"It has taken me many months and long nights of meditation, but this is something I can no longer keep to myself. It is something that must be spoken aloud, if only once, to be accepted."
"Master..." Reaching with one hand, Obi-Wan touched the taller man's shoulder, felt the tremor there. "What is it?"
"I love you."Whispered with shame, the words did not seem to bring the older man relief. Yet he said no more, simply watched the younger while Obi-Wan tried to make sense of them.
"I know that," Obi-Wan said at last, deliberately ignoring the other potential interpretations. The consequences were too overwhelming.
"I love you, Qui-Gon repeated.The he lowered his head and brushed his cold lips over Obi-Wan's mouth, and the younger man pulled back, bumping his head against the rock, speechless.
He stared at his Master and Qui-Gon stared at him.
Then the Jedi Master returned to his seated position, tilting his head back and staring at the stars.
The silence loomed, grew legs and walked.
Walked over and took Obi-Wan by the neck and strangled him.
He couldn't draw a breath.
"It will not be spoken of again." His Master's voice, easing the grip of the silence, letting him breathe.
"There is no shame, Obi-Wan, that you do not return what I feel. I am gifted by the Force to feel it, and I will treasure it as my own. Please-" There was a tiny catch in the rich, rumbly voice, "-please do not concern yourself with it."
***
A loud pop from the flames he watched drew the young Jedi from his vision of the past, and the silent fire that burned in his mind's eye was replaced by this fire, and the sight of his master's body, burning.
He had allowed himself to forget. It had not concerned him past that night. The next day they had tracked down the kidnappers, rescued the Senator, and gone home to Coruscant, to be welcomed with quiet praise that as would have amounted to a parade anywhere else.
It had never been mentioned between them again.
He watched the pyre burn to ashes, leaving nothing behind of the body. The cinders had stung his eyes, bringing tears, but now they were dry, drier than they should have been. A hand touched his shoulder as he stared at the smoldering mass in front of him.
"Obi-Wan, it's time to leave." Apina's voice was soft and gentle, like the feel of her hand. "There is nothing more you can do for him."
He turned to face her. The slender, dark-skinned woman was as beautiful as ever, a perfect balance of intelligence and strength, just as...he shoved that thought down. She pulled him into her arms.
"He was my...my Master. He...I'm alone."
"I'm here, Obi-Wan. And I love you. Remember?" She'd said those words to him so many times in the past year, since they'd become lovers.
***
She'd just become a Jedi Knight herself. She and her Master had had a ceremony to cut off her Padawan braid, and then she'd invited all the newer Knights and older Apprentices to a celebration in one of the small parks that dotted the city-covered planet.
It had been a rare evening of no responsibilities for all of them, and they'd taken advantage of it. Someone had even provided music and everyone paired off to dance.
Obi-Wan had been stunned when she'd asked him to join her. Not only was she incredibly beautiful, she was also known as one of the most promising of the knights, having sped through her apprenticeship. And he was still a lowly Padawan and likely to be so for years to come.
Despite his Master's kind words.
"I've been watching you, Obi-Wan. I've seen you spar with Master Jinn. No one moves as gracefully - it looks as though you are dancing. I want to dance with you for real."
He'd blushed and taken her hand, and they moved together to the music. They spent the rest of the evening together. When they weren't dancing, they were laughing and talking, and later, they were holding hands and kissing. Later still, he found himself dancing a different dance in her bedroom, while the lights of Coruscant flickered outside her window.
He awoke within her arms the next morning. Apina smiled at him, her eyes glowing. "I think I'm falling in love with you, Obi-Wan Kenobi."
She bent to kiss his lips. He pulled her closer and deepened it, allowing their tongues to meet and wrestle. When they finally parted, he lay back with a sigh.
"I could fall in love with you, too. I think...I think I have."
She smiled at him and they made love again. She, more experienced, taught him how to use his hands and mouth to give and take pleasure, and she complimented him on how quickly he learned. That got her tickled. While they were laughing, his communit chimed.
"Where are you, my Padawan?" It was his Master, his voice unreadable.
He checked the time. He was nearly late for a training session. "My apologies, Master. I will be there directly."
"See that you are."
Obi-Wan jumped into his clothes, dropped one last kiss on Apina's face and ran out of her quarters, leaving her chuckling in the bed. He arrived at the training arena within minutes. Qui-Gon was already there.
"Where were you, young Padawan?"
He couldn't meet his Master's eyes. "I...I was with Apina. We were celebrating..."
"She's a lovely woman and strong in the Force. Did you enjoy your time with her?"
Obi-Wan kept his eyes down. "Yes, Master."
"If you wish, you have my permission to see her again, your duties permitting."
Obi-Wan gasped. "Master...I'm sorry. I did not mean to hurt you. It will not happen again."He knew how Qui-Gon felt about him, and now he had the gall to throw someone else in his face? How could he do such a thing?
"You did not hurt me. You cannot hurt me. If she brings you joy, my apprentice, it is enough for me." His Master smiled. "But see that you are not late for training sessions in the future."
Obi-Wan nodded, and they began to spar.
***
He and Apina did not have many nights together in the months that followed. It wasn't often that both were on Coruscant and both were duty-free. However, he cherished those nights he'd spent in her arms, and they began to speak of forming a love bond once his apprenticeship was over. He still felt odd talking about her to his Master, but Qui-Gon never showed a sign of anything but approval.
And now he stood in her arms by the remains of the funeral pyre, and she was telling him she loved him, as she had so many times before. It should have felt familiar and comforting.
Instead he was empty, and she could have been a stranger for all the affect her words had upon him. He pulled her close in an attempt to feel something, but his thoughts were far away and very confused.
"My love?"
"Let's go, Apina. I can do nothing more here."
She smiled sadly. "He was a great Jedi, Obi-Wan, as you will be. You will do him, and me, proud." She took him by the hand and led him to a groundcar, which she directed towards her own quarters. He sat numbly beside her as she drove.
Like those of many Jedi, Apina's quarters were spare and simple. She had neither need nor desire for material things. Her one luxury was the large bed under her windows and even it was covered only in the simplest sheets and spread.
Obi-Wan followed her there, joining her as she sat on its edge. She stroked his hair, playing with the apprentice braid. "This will go soon, my love. It should have gone long ago, but your Master..."
"My Master waited until I was ready." The first emotion he'd felt and it was anger. Quickly, he controlled it as all Jedi must, lest it lead to hatred, as Master Yoda had taught.
"Of course. I cared for your Master as well. He was a good and wise man, and he trained you to be the best." She spoke soothingly. Her voice rang with honesty...and something else. "Now...let me ease your grief so you can face your trials."
Their lips met. Hers were warm, skilled and loving, but he felt nothing more than pressure. All passion seemed to be gone, burnt out by that fire. She knew something was wrong and let him go. "My love, he is gone and I am here. Let me take care of you." She gently touched his face, *there*.
He jumped, clapping his hand where her fingers had...he could only think "profaned." This was wrong. This was very, very wrong. He ran out of her quarters, listening to her shout "Obi-Wan!" as he did.
He wandered the city blindly, trusting in the Force to keep him safe. Emotions, new but strangely familiar, coursed through his mind. Had he really been that foolish all those years?
**********************
"No! No! I won't let him go!" His throat burned.
"Master Jinn's awake! Shush, Master. Lie still." It was an unfamiliar voice, rich and soothing, and his hands were gentle. "You'll open the wounds. The healer's coming."
Qui-Gon nodded and settled back on his pillows. He pushed the great pain he felt behind his consciousness as he had been trained, and opened his eyes. No, he did not know the man with the long dark curls and the brilliant eyes, but he could sense only goodness in him. It was then, when he reached for the Force, that he realized something was gone. "Where is he? Where is my Padawan?"
"Obi-Wan is not here, Master Jinn."
"I cannot sense him. Is he...no!" He struggled to leave the bed, but the nurse would not permit this. Nor did the man have difficulty making him stay. "I must go! Something has happened to my Padawan."
"You cannot help him in your state, Master Jinn." Qui-Gon turned to see a stately woman, her silver hair piled high on her head, walk to his bed. "You are still recovering."
"It is just a weakness of the body, Healer. My bond with my Padawan is gone. I must find him."
"It is more than a weakness. What do you remember last?"
"We fought the Sith. I...I lost. But Obi-Wan won. Where is he? Why can't I touch our bond?"
The Healer touched his shoulder. "The bond between a Jedi and his apprentice is broken by two things - an act of will when the apprentice is ready to be on his own orif one of the pair dies. This is something you know, Master Jinn."
A Jedi is trained to ignore strong emotions such as anger and hatred. Qui-Gon had learned those lessons well as a child brought up by them. Those lessons were forgotten as grief and pain and loss descended upon him like a dark blanket. Obi-Wan dead? It couldn't be. He'd seen him last alive and healthy; he'd touched his warm, beautiful face. Desperately, he reached for some last remnant of him in his mind, and found nothing there but emptiness. As a tear streaked down his face, he gazed at the Healer. "How? How did Obi-Wan die?"
"He did not die, Master Jinn. *You* did. It took all my skills, and those of others greater than I, to bring you back and we do not know how much damage will be permanent."
Go to Part Two