Unreliable

Debra Fran Baker

dfbaker@panix.com


"I waited for you last night." This was breaking the rules big time, but I had to ask.

"You waited for me?" Casey looked away from his computer and at me.

"Yes. I waited until nearly dawn for you."

"Why were you waiting for me?" His voice was tense. He knew exactly why.

*************************

I was waiting for him because we were worried that we would not have a job or a partnership left when CSN was sold. When I worry I pace, and annoy people and generally make those around me miserable. When Casey gets like this, he comes to my place and has sex with me, and then never talks about it the next day.

The first time was soon after we met, while he was dating Lisa.

"Can I come in, Dan?" He had jumped around outside my door, unable to keep still.

I shrugged, and pointed. He walked in just far enough to turn around and look at me. "Want something? I think I have a couple beers in the fridge."

"I don't want beer, Danny. I want...I want...I want *you.*" And he kissed me. Hard. On the mouth. At first, I stood there in shock. Yes, I'd wanted him, but he was straight. He was seeing Lisa, practically living with Lisa. I hated Lisa because she got to kiss Casey.

And now Casey was kissing me. Not her. Me. And I realized he'd stop unless I did something, so I did. I opened my mouth. Minutes later, we were tearing off my clothes...not his, but it didn't matter, because he kissed me again. And then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a condom and some lubricant and got me ready efficiently, although he managed to get me to groan a couple of times along the way. Then, I bent over my television set, my legs spread and he entered me. And it was...good. He reached around to grab me and he knew just how to move and what felt the best, until he came inside of me and I came all over him and my television.

Then he used my underwear to clean himself and the tv off, zipped himself up and ambled into my kitchen to snag a beer. By the time he came back, holding two bottles, I was dressed again, albeit with clean underwear, and watching some game. He handed me a bottle and settled down to watch with me. The game ended, he waved goodbye and went home. The next day he was engaged to Lisa, and I was swept up in wedding plans and we never spoke about it.

Nor did we speak about the other times. All the other times, like the night before their wedding, after the bachelor party ended and the stripper had been paid off, or when Lisa had an emergency C-section and they tossed Casey out of the delivery room and into my arms and a handy bathroom for a blowjob. All those times when Casey's life changed and he came to me as a sort of...I don't know what. He never said. We never spoke about it.

I understood why. If we spoke about these things, then he couldn't pretend they didn't happen. Then he could still be straight. Yeah, it hurt. It hurt when I learned he turned down Conan to keep me with him, like some kind of whore. But, I was an idiot, and I loved him...love him...and if that was how I could have him, fine.

Until that night. When he didn't show up, even though CSN was being sold and I'd have to leave for LA and he would have joined me.

********************

"You know why."

Casey closed his eyes. "Yeah, I know why."

"So?"

"So, what?"