"I waited for you last night." This was breaking the rules big time, but I had to ask.
"You waited for me?" Casey looked away from his computer and at me.
"Yes. I waited until nearly dawn for you."
"Why were you waiting for me?" His voice was tense. He knew exactly why.
*************************
I was waiting for him because we were worried that we would not have a job or a partnership left when CSN was sold. When I worry I pace, and annoy people and generally make those around me miserable. When Casey gets like this, he comes to my place and has sex with me, and then never talks about it the next day.
The first time was soon after we met, while he was dating Lisa.
"Can I come in, Dan?" He had jumped around outside my door, unable to keep still.
I shrugged, and pointed. He walked in just far enough to turn around and look at me. "Want something? I think I have a couple beers in the fridge."
"I don't want beer, Danny. I want...I want...I want *you.*" And he kissed me. Hard. On the mouth. At first, I stood there in shock. Yes, I'd wanted him, but he was straight. He was seeing Lisa, practically living with Lisa. I hated Lisa because she got to kiss Casey.
And now Casey was kissing me. Not her. Me. And I realized he'd stop unless I did something, so I did. I opened my mouth. Minutes later, we were tearing off my clothes...not his, but it didn't matter, because he kissed me again. And then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a condom and some lubricant and got me ready efficiently, although he managed to get me to groan a couple of times along the way. Then, I bent over my television set, my legs spread and he entered me. And it was...good. He reached around to grab me and he knew just how to move and what felt the best, until he came inside of me and I came all over him and my television.
Then he used my underwear to clean himself and the tv off, zipped himself up and ambled into my kitchen to snag a beer. By the time he came back, holding two bottles, I was dressed again, albeit with clean underwear, and watching some game. He handed me a bottle and settled down to watch with me. The game ended, he waved goodbye and went home. The next day he was engaged to Lisa, and I was swept up in wedding plans and we never spoke about it.
Nor did we speak about the other times. All the other times, like the night before their wedding, after the bachelor party ended and the stripper had been paid off, or when Lisa had an emergency C-section and they tossed Casey out of the delivery room and into my arms and a handy bathroom for a blowjob. All those times when Casey's life changed and he came to me as a sort of...I don't know what. He never said. We never spoke about it.
I understood why. If we spoke about these things, then he couldn't pretend they didn't happen. Then he could still be straight. Yeah, it hurt. It hurt when I learned he turned down Conan to keep me with him, like some kind of whore. But, I was an idiot, and I loved him...love him...and if that was how I could have him, fine.
Until that night. When he didn't show up, even though CSN was being sold and I'd have to leave for LA and he would have joined me.
********************
"You know why."
Casey closed his eyes. "Yeah, I know why."
"So?"
"So, what?"
"So, why..."
"Because...this time...because this time I couldn't fool myself." He started pacing. He didn't look at me.
"Couldn't fool yourself?"
He stopped, still facing the wall. "Fooling myself. Pretending you loved me just because you let me...let me..."
"Pretending I loved you?"
He turned around. "Pretending you love me. Pretending we have this secret romance that we couldn't talk about for fear of being discovered. I knew better."
"You knew better?" Brilliant, Dan. I could literally not think of anything else to say.
"I knew better. I knew you enjoyed yourself. I knew you had...fun. But you *never* said anything...even the night before I got married. If you'd...if you'd only *said* something, I'd never have married her. I was hoping. Hell, I was praying."
"You *wanted* me to...but..."
"I wanted you. I wanted you so badly that I couldn't survive without you in my life. God, it killed me whenever you fell in love."
"You wanted me to say something?"
"I wanted you to say something. I wanted you to tell me to stay. I wanted you to tell me you'd be there. So, I pretended you were."
"I was there. I am there. I am here." My mind was starting to work. He was...all these years..."I can't believe we wasted all those years as *buddies.*"
Casey stared at me. "Wasted? I thought...I thought..."
"You thought?"
"I thought that it was just...fun for you. That you were...cool with it all."
"I thought I was cool, too." I turned the thought around in my head, and let myself remember how much I hated Lisa, and Sally and, even though nothing would ever happen, Dana. "I wasn't cool. I was never cool."
I walked up to him and put my hand on his shoulder. He jumped a little at my touch, and turned around. His eyes were wet. "You...you didn't want it? You let me, even though..."
"For two guys who never stop talking..." I took a deep breath. "I'm an idiot. I'm a fool. I wanted you so badly that I was willing to take whatever...Casey. I love you. I want to make love with you. I don't want to leave you."
He looked at me. Then he smiled, a little. "But yet, you are. Unless a miracle happens, I can't go and you can't stay."
"Why didn't you come last night?"
"Because if I did, I'd never let you go." He took me in his arms then. I held on and prayed for a miracle.
Copyright 2000 Debra Fran Baker and NightRoads Associates