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"Dear God, you're beautiful."

I've heard those words many times in my life, ever since I was too young to protest, but never with such reverence, and never with that voice.

I had to be dreaming, which went along with the other odd feelings I was having...safety, security, warmth. The hand gently stroking my hair, my neck, my shoulder, my...I wasn't dreaming. In my dreams, I have two arms.

I opened my eyes. There was sunlight pouring into the tawdry little motel room, the one I'd barely registered the night before. It barely registered now. My senses were overwhelmed with *him*, lying in bed next to me, smiling at me. I don't think I'd ever seen Walter Skinner smile at me before.

"Sorcerer's eyes. Good morning, Alex." No, this wasn't a dream. I'd never dared to dream of this. Not that I dared to dream of much at all. Dreams slow you down. Make you long for two arms.

So did reality. I was lying on my right side, facing him, which meant I was lying on my arm. Helpless. He stroked my stump with curiosity, but no revulsion. I'd been getting a lot of revulsion lately.

"That's not so beautiful." I tried to move away from him, away from his touch, but he wouldn't let me. He found my arm with his other hand and held it as he continued to caress me.

"Ah, Alyosha...someone has been lying to you."

"Alyosha?" For a moment, I was a child again. That was the last time I'd heard that name; the last time I'd felt...the way I did right then.

"It fits you." I knew he had a Russian middle name; Russian maternal grandparents, too. Still...

"You don't know Russian."

Skinner shrugged. "I know that much. And you're still beautiful, and someone has been lying to you about that."

And his touch still reached to the soul I'd just discovered. I wanted to relax into it, into him.

"Why are you doing this? What about Mulder?"

"I want to. And he knows. We...talked." He moved closer to me, holding my hand and stroking my back. I shivered and then jumped.

"When? Where is he? When did that happen?"

He sighed. "An hour ago. Maybe more. You slept soundly."

"That's not possible. I never sleep that deeply. I'd be dead if I did." Panic pierced me like a knife. Skinner immediately wrapped me in his arms. I shook.

"It's all right, Alyosha. We were here watching for you. You were safe here. You will always be safe here, where we are."

"No. I have to leave. I can't stay." I tried to wrestle out of his arms, but they held me too firmly. "Where's Mulder? He'll understand? Where is Mulder?"

"Shh, shh. You don't have to go anywhere. Mulder's out running. He'll be back soon, and I know he wants you to stay, too."

I've been spying on people and governments for years. I know things I wish I didn't, and things other people wish I didn't. I've accepted things that most rational people would consider insane, that even Mulder has to fight to believe.

His last sentence made no sense at all. It bounced around my head until it was reduced to mere sounds, and it still made no sense. I let myself be crushed to him as I latched onto the only words that had meaning, a meaning that gave me a different sort of terror.

"Mulder is out running? You let him out by himself?"

Skinner chuckled. It was a warm, comforting sound, as beautiful as his smile and his eyes. I shivered again. Warm and comfortable had no place in my world. Neither did beautiful, except as something to look at from a distance. I wanted the edge, I wanted the danger, and I wanted the power only knowledge could bring. I knew the price and I paid it. I didn't even regret the loss of my arm, other than the inconvenience it caused.

This was something else.

"This isn't funny, Skinner. You saw the way he was last night. He's in no shape to be out alone." I tried to push away. He held me tighter.

"No one 'let's' Fox do anything. I'm not saying he's fine, but he's functional. And he has his gun with him, so he's as safe as he'd ever be."

"You let him have his gun?" I couldn't forget the sight of three guns thrust into Skinner's suit pants last night because he wouldn't let Mulder alone with a weapon.

"He needed it. And...he said he'd be back. I have to trust him a little. So do you. He's a grown man."

There was a little doubt in his voice. He was worried, too.

"Why didn't you go with him? I mean, that's why you came here...to be with him."

He stroked my face. "Yes, I did. But I couldn't leave you alone."

"I would have been fine. I'm a grown man, too. I can take care of myself...even now." Except I couldn't break free of his hold on me.

"Why? Why are you protecting me? I almost killed you! You should hate me."

He was silent for a long time. I kept waiting for him to stop petting me, to let go of me, to...to take his gun and kill me. After all, my own was...he had it. He'd taken it away. No, I'd given it to him without his even asking. It felt right to do that last night. Was I turning into a fool? Fools die. Did I want to die?

He didn't let go of me. He kept rubbing my back, down to my rear. There was nothing sexual in his touch. If there had been, that would have been normal for me. But he was just comforting me, and that shattered me completely.

His voice, when he finally spoke, was quiet. "You could have killed me. You could have killed either of us for months now with no trouble. You had every opportunity. Hell, you even had the oldest motive in the book. You hated me even before I started sleeping with Fox."

I couldn't lie to him. Not while I could hear his heart beating under my ear. "I never hated you. I wanted to, so much. I used to watch you with him, holding him, loving him, chasing away his demons, and I used to wonder why that couldn't be me."

"Oh, Alyosha." To my shock, I felt his lips brush the top of my head. "Why didn't you hate me?"

"You love him. You take care of him. Sometimes I wasn't sure who I was more jealous of. And if I did kill you, I'd hurt him. And that would kill me. Why am I still alive?"

Why was he holding me like something precious? Why was he holding me the way I watched him hold Mulder?

"Because you need it. Because I want to. Because he wants me to." Damn the man. Did he read my mind?

My eyes stung, but I wasn't going to lose myself that far. I tilted my head back to look at his eyes. They were still warm and commanding, and endless.

He smiled at me. I licked my lips and leaned forward. He met me halfway.

Skinner's lips were warm and commanding, just like his eyes, and so gentle. I could drown there happily. Even his tongue held a contained strength that made me weak at its touch. I wanted time to stop right then. I whimpered when he pulled away. He touched my lips in apology.

"I promise you, Alyosha. We will do more. All of us if you want."

"Promise, Skinner?"

He just smiled and kissed my forehead. "Maybe you should think about calling me Walter."

I shook my head, but put my head on his chest again. "I can't."

"It's all right. Shhh."

Maybe I dozed. Maybe his steady caresses relaxed me or distracted me. I don't know. All I do know is that one moment, I was burrowing my head into Skinner's chest, and the next I was smelling food and hearing someone clear his throat.

"Someone's sleeping in my bed." I looked up, blinking. How could this happen twice? If this kept up, I'd be dead in less than a week.

Mulder was holding a sack from McDonalds and smiling brilliantly. I looked at Skinner, and there was that same incandescent glow as last night in the parking lot. "You could join us, Fox?"

"I don't know. You two look so cozy."

Skinner's lips were warm and commanding, just like his eyes, and so gentle. I could drown there happily. Even his tongue held a contained strength that made me weak at its touch. I wanted time to stop right then. I whimpered when he pulled away. He touched my lips in apology.

"I promise you, Alyosha. We will do more. All of us if you want."

"I don't know what I want, except to be here." I buried my head in his shoulder. He held me tighter, and stroked my hair.

We were like that for a long time. I relaxed in his arms and let my mind go blank, knowing I was in the safest place in the world.

I must have fallen asleep there because the next thing I knew, the room was filled with the odor of fast food breakfast. I heard a familiar chuckle.

"Who's been sleeping in my bed?"

I turned in Skinner's arms. This was too dangerous. He should not have been able to walk into the motel room without my waking. What was happening to me? I would have jumped off the bed if I weren't held so securely, so gently. Skinner stroked my shoulder for a moment, his touch calming me.

But Mulder's face held no menace, no sign of jealousy or that easy violence of his.

Nor was there the panic of the night before. I wasn't sure I'd ever seen him like this, even when we were lovers.

"Still room for you, Fox." Skinner let go of me long enough to pull Mulder between us, giving him just enough time to put the bags on the floor. He fell on the bed with a happy yelp. He gave me a brief kiss on the lips before turning and claiming Skinner. Normally, I'd have been seething in jealousy, but now all I could think was how beautiful they looked together.

Skinner was still under the covers, still naked. Mulder was lying on top of the covers wearing old sweats that concealed most of his form. My mind cataloged all these facts, but my heart said beautiful.

Slowly, they pulled apart. "Whew! Mulder, take a shower. You stink."

"I just ran for five miles. I'd better stink."

He did not stink. He smelled strong and sexy, almost as he did when he used to lie spent in my arms for the few moments before one or the other of us would jump out of bed (or out of the car or off the office floor)and run away. He wasn't running now. Neither was I.

And I still couldn't figure out why. Nor could I reconcile this laughing, loving man with the basketcase of the night before.

While I pondered, Mulder jumped off the bed again and presented us with breakfast. First came huge cups of coffee with the word "hot" emblazoned on the Styrofoam. Then he doled out the food. He'd gotten trays of eggs and pancakes for himself and Skinner, but breakfast sandwiches for me - four of them in a bag he'd dumped in my lap.

He sat cross-legged at the foot of the bed facing us, grinning brilliantly. I noticed him staring at me as I managed the food one-handed. From anyone else, it would have been rude. From him...it was just Mulder.

Then I realized he wasn't looking at my arm, or where it used to be. He was looking at me. "What's so fascinating?"

"Why are you here?"

I looked at Skinner, who seemed intrigued by the contents of his coffee cup. "What do you mean?"

Mulder rolled his eyes. "I mean, I woke up this morning and there you were in bed with us. I nearly hared out, but Walter calmed me down and sent me out running. *You* slept through it all."

I sat back against the headboard. This time, Skinner let me catch his eye. He smiled tightly and shook his head just a bit. Maybe I was dreaming...

Except that the coffee was hot and bitter, and the bacon in the biscuit sandwich was salty, and the bed was warm, and Mulder stank.

And none of that happened when I dreamed. Nor did my annoyingly full bladder.

"So, while I was running, I tried to figure out why you were here. And why you decided to sleep with us instead of killing us. And I couldn't. Why are you here, Alex?"

"Krycek. I don't get to call you Fox, you don't get to call me Alex."

I had to say something to stall for time. How could Mulder not remember? How could *Mulder* not remember? My mind refused to work. Desperately, I looked at Skinner *again*.

Skinner chuckled. "That's exactly what we were talking about before you showed up, Fox."

"Why he didn't kill us?"

"And why I didn't kill him when I saw him and brought him inside."

He leaned forward. "And what did you decide?"

"He's too cuddly to kill." Skinner glared at me while Mulder, incredibly, cracked up. He laughed so hard I could see tears running down his face. Every once in a while, he'd looked at me, point to Skinner and laugh harder. It was a sight. Twice we had to catch him before he rolled over his egg tray.

Eventually, he calmed down and finished his cold breakfast and coffee. He gathered the debris from the bed and piled it up on the dresser.

"If you are quite recovered, Fox..." This set Mulder off again. I shot Skinner a look. He was smiling broadly, but it never reached his eyes. He calmed down again.

"Whatever you say...Cuddles..." He chuckled again, but managed to get control. "I'm going to take a shower." He go up and began to take off his sweats. As usual, Mulder had no more body consciousness than a child. "You guys want to join me?"

"You go ahead, stinky. Enjoy the hot water." Mulder shot him a blinding grin, gathered up his shaving kit and disappeared into the tiny bathroom.

I took a look at him. It hit me...I was naked in bed next to that man while his lover showered in the next room. I threw back the covers and reached for my own clothing. Unlike Mulder, I was body conscious - yet I'd just spent a half hour calmly eating with my scars and my...deficit clearly visible. I may not have been dreaming, but Alex was in wonderland.

I couldn't move. Skinner had his hand on my good shoulder, keeping me there. "Stay here, Alyosha."

I tried to fight, to wriggle out of his grasp. "I can't. I can't stay here. I can't see him..."

"You think I can?" His voice was quiet, but I could hear the desperation behind it.

I stopped fighting and turned to look at him, pausing only to toss the blanket over me again. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that this morning, as you lay sleeping the sleep of the innocent, Fox woke me up to ask what you were doing here."

I shivered. To my shock, Skinner moved to sit next to me, and gathered me in his arms. I leaned into his chest, and found that he was shaking as well. "He really doesn't remember?"

Go here for Part Two.