"No." There was an edge to his voice that I'd never thought I'd hear, and that frightened me more than anything. Mulder was the center to my world, but Skinner was one of the rocks, him and Mulder's partner. I could stand his hatred, but not his fear.

"Are you sure? Maybe he's...hiding it."

"I'm sure. I wish I weren't. I wish he were lying, covering something up. But I only got what I wished for once." He looked at the bathroom. I could hear water running, smell shaving lotion on the steam. "He woke up, saw you were there and...asked."

"Just...asked? He wasn't bothered?" I pulled away so I could see his face. He had his glasses back on, hiding his eyes.

"He was bothered. Or confused. He asked what the hell you were doing in bed with us, except he called you a 'rat bastard.' But...there was no anger there."

"He didn't try to hit me?" I hated the way my voice sounded, as if I were scared of *Mulder*.

Skinner's gaze pierced me straight to my soul. "No." He closed his eyes for a moment. I sighed in relief as the contact was broken. When he opened them again, he stared at the bathroom door. I could hear off-key singing. "But his fists were clenched. Alyosha...I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the slam in the belly, I'm sorry for the night on my balcony. Things were...things *are* bad, but not as bad as they were then. That's no excuse." He stroked my back.

No one had ever apologized before. I wanted to run again, to find the world I was used to, where people hit and didn't care, where being naked in bed meant more than cuddling, where no gentle hand caressed my stump, where people acted *normally.* "I know. You did what you had to do."

"I wanted you, even then. If I hadn't chained you outside, if I hadn't let the violence take over, I'd have...compromised everything. You're so beautiful..."

"I bring out the violence in everyone, it seems. Mulder...I don't blame him, either. I betrayed him so often. I'm not surprised he hates me."

"He doesn't hate you. He wants to hate you, like I wanted to hate you, but...He was starting to get upset this morning because he couldn't remember, because he thought he'd slept through it. I sent him running, promising that I'd be okay, that I could take care of myself in case. He...he believed me."

"He trusts you. He trusts you absolutely, even now. Like I do. Honor is a rare thing, Walter."

He gathered me closer. "I have no honor. I sold it along time ago for a false promise. All I have is him. And..."

I had to change the subject. It was too close to home. "Has this ever happened before? That he doesn't remember something?"

"I don't know. It hasn't happened with me. But he never was like he was last night with me, either. He's been angry and drugged and exhausted and despondent, but not...terrified."

"You're terrified yourself." That thought was no more comfortable the second time.

"I'm terrified on many counts. I don't know what's going on with Mulder. I don't know what's going on with you - twice you've slept when you have no business sleeping, and that's going to get you killed. And I don't know what's going with me because not only am I worried about Fox, I'm worried about you, and I can't seem to let go of you." His arms tightened around me.

"Please...don't. Don't let go...it makes me feel safe." Shut up, Krycek. You're revealing too much.

"Safe?"

"Yes. Safe. Secure. No one is after me here. No one can hurt me. Maybe that's why I could sleep so deeply - your arms were around me."

"I'll have to let go. God knows I don't want to, but we can't stay here."

"I know." How could I have ever hurt this man? How could I have dreamed of it? I met his eyes again. He didn't smile. "Mulder. What do you know about Mulder? I mean, besides what's in his jacket. And how good a lover he is."

"What do you know?"

"Yeah. What do you two know about Mulder?" We both looked up. We hadn't heard the water stop. He stood in the doorway of the bathroom drying his hair, with another towel wrapped around his hips. The air smelled of shampoo and spicy soap. "Can I be in on this?" He finished with his hair and sat down at the foot of the bed again.

Skinner was silent for a moment. Then he nodded. He stroked my back on more time and let go. I repressed a sigh and moved away to sit up against the head board, adjusting the blanket again.

He looked at the empty space between us and then at Mulder, who shook his head and stayed where he was. "What do you want to know, Fox?"

"Everything. We have all day." He looked at us expectantly.

I reached out for Skinner's hand. He gave it to me, lacing his fingers with mine. I smiled at him and took a deep breath. "I've been following you for a while."

Mulder sat still. He swallowed a couple of times and began to play with the bedspread. "How...how long?" He stared at his hands, not looking at either of us.

"About six months. Not long after you started, I think."

"You...you just followed us?"

Walter's hand tightened. I bit my lip. "No. I...I watched. I...don't know why I did. It hurt to do it, but I had to."

He looked up. His eyes blazed and his hands held the spread so tightly his knuckles were white. "Did you get your rocks off watching us?"

I couldn't answer. There was no right answer, no true one. "Sometimes...you're so beautiful, both of you. But most of the time it just hurt."

"So...why?"

"Because someone had to...to watch your backs."

"We were careful. No one knows."

"Scully does. I do. The guy I...caught three weeks ago did, and so do the ones he...worked for."

Mulder turned white. "What are you saying?" His voice was hoarse, and he looked like he couldn't breathe.

"I'm saying that I was protecting you. Both. I'm saying that you were careful but no one's perfect. I'm saying...that I care what happens to you." I was breathing hard myself.

"Fox...listen to him. He's telling the truth, isn't he?" I looked at Skinner. What did he know?

"He is. Damn him to hell, he is. He said this...last night, you said you loved me." He looked at me with daggers in his eyes.

"I did. I do." Memories of his panic the night before swam in front of my eyes. Walter used his other hand to stroke mine, but he looked at Mulder.

"Don't say that, Krycek. How can you love? You have no heart." His hatred hurt as badly as his fear.

"The same way you can. And I can." Walter's voice was calm, but his hands trembled around mine.

"Do you love him? Walter, do you love this rat bastard?"

"Right now? I don't know. I care about him. God help me, but I do." He turned to me. "I could love you, Alyosha, if you gave me a chance." Before I could even think, he looked back at Mulder. "I know I love you. I *will* say it. I love you, Fox Mulder."

Mulder looked like Skinner had slapped him. No. He looked like he'd rather Skinner had slapped him. But he didn't panic. He just held the bedspread in an iron grip. "I...you say that. I have to believe you. I wish...I wish I knew how I felt...for both of you." He looked at me. "I don't...I should...I don't hate you, Krycek. I should. I know who you are, what you are, what you did to me, to Scully, to Walter...to my father. I should hate that you're even breathing."

Skinner forced out a chuckle. "You've never done a thing you 'should' since I've known you, Fox."

Mulder shook his head and looked at both of us. "I'm an idiot. Scully will kill me. But...the two of you together like that, seeing you like that...And I know you're not lying."

"Please...?" I let go of Skinner's hand. He looked at both of us in turn and then he was between us again, and holding me. I got my arm under him and held him as tightly as I could. He put his face on my shoulders. I could feel tears.

"Mulder?"

"I missed you, Alex. I never stopped missing you, even when I hated you. Oh, God, what am I going to do? I love you, I love Walter and the world is spinning around."

"It's all right, Fox. We'll figure this thing out. All three of us." I looked over Mulder's shoulder at Skinner's face. He nodded. I kissed Mulder's head.

He looked up at me. "Krycek?" He licked his lips.

That was all the invitation I needed. After so long, that kiss was as much bitter as it was sweet. I could taste his tears. I drank him in as if he were wine, and for the first time that strange morning, I could feel myself becoming aroused, and I could feel him respond.

We still needed to talk, but this was what I needed now, and what he needed, and what Skinner, who was holding us both again, needed. Mulder turned in my arms and sought Skinner's mouth. I sighed with the loss even as I grew more aroused at the vision they presented.

Mulder must have heard me, because as soon as he parted from Skinner, he climbed over me, pushing me to the middle. "We're not leaving you out, Alex. Not by a long shot."

He began kissing me up and down my body, hard, bruising kisses that left me shivering, while on the other side, Skinner echoed his movements, but his kisses were gentle if equally passionate. I was rapidly approaching sensory and emotional overload when they met at my groin and began trying to kiss each other through my penis. Mulder was on my arm, I couldn't move and I didn't especially want to. Not when one of them engulfed me completely, while the other played with my testicles. Only years of practice let me keep from shouting. I don't scream in either pain or pleasure...unless specifically asked or paid to do so.

Then I realized it wasn't Mulder who was sucking me. Licking me. Rubbing me against his face. I knew how Mulder felt. He loved this act almost as much as he loved being taken. It was *him*. And he was skilled in ways I'd never dreamed, because in none of my dreams of this man was he doing this.

And then I stopped thinking. I completely surrendered to the sensations around me, not even reserving the tiny corner of my mind I normally do, so I can escape if necessary. My world became tongues, lips, long graceful fingers and strong, gentle hands, and all the pleasure they urged out of my body until I finally exploded in a rush that left me weak and gasping.

Skinner moved up the bed and took me in his arms again. I had no idea why until I began to sob against his chest. He held me silently as the tears burned out of my eyes and I fought to breathe, while Mulder sat close enough for me to feel his presence but no more.

Finally, and I don't know how long it took, I stopped. Skinner wrapped himself tightly around my trembling body, and kissed my forehead. "What was that about, Alyosha?"

"I don't know. I think I was overwhelmed. Please...don't let go." I cursed my weakness but I needed him. Something was missing.

"You were hurting badly, Krycek. You're not hurting anymore." Mulder was curled up at the foot of the bed.

Skinner and I exchanged looks, then I pushed myself away from him. He caught my hand as I did. "You know that, Mulder?"

He looked up and nodded. He shivered.

"Fox? Come, join us. Please." Skinner looked as worried as I felt.

"What's going on? What do you know? What do you know that you haven't told me?" He curled up tighter.

"You're shivering, Fox. Please...come here." Mulder didn't move. Finally, Skinner let go of my hand and go up. Somehow, the spread had fallen off the bed. Skinner wrapped it around Mulder's shoulders, and kept his arms there.

Mulder shrugged him off and held the spread tighter. "Go away. Go back to *him* - or tell me the truth."

Skinner stayed where he was, leaving me alone at the head of the bed, my arm curled around my legs. All three of us were naked. The room smelled of sex and coffee and the sandwich I hadn't had a chance to eat. Like Alice, the wonderland was really a nightmare.

"Walter...we have to tell him. He should have been told years ago."

"Tell me what? I know my father is that smoking bastard. I know my sister was experimented on for years after she was taken, and that she's dead. I know I had a...a thing in my head that made me telepathic. What more do I need to know?"

"Gibson Praise." Mulder started when I said that name.

"The boy. He...he's telepathic."

"Was. He's...they needed to find out *how* they'd succeeded."

"Those bastards. Those stinking, disgusting bastards." He began pounding on the bed. "He was only a little boy!" He jumped off the bed. His fists were still clenched. He needed something to hit, to destroy but this wasn't his home and we weren't at fault. "You knew?"

I nodded. He ran to me, clutching his arms to his body. I could see the tension. I held out my arm to stop him. "Mulder...I couldn't *do* anything. I didn't even know where he was. Sometimes I dreamed about him screaming, but he always turned into you." He stood a foot from me, breathing hard. "I'm sorry. If it helps, your old 'girlfriend' Fowley cried at his cremation."

"Diana? Diana knew?" He collapsed on the bed, his mood changing with the moment.

"She knew. She knew all about the experiment. Experiments."

"Oh, my God. Gibson was...successful. Sam...me...we...I was an experiment, too? They were breeding for...for telepathy. They failed. How come they let me live? Why am I still alive? Why!" He reached for me, but Skinner caught him.

"Fox, you will control yourself. Now, sit down and listen for a change." He pointed to his side of the bed and Mulder, his eyes sullen, walked over and sat down. Skinner wrapped his arms around him. "You were...a partial success."

"*You* knew? Who else knows? Scully?"

Skinner shook his head. "She knows only what you know. She would play her role better in...in ignorance."

"Her role? What was her role?"

"To protect you. To watch you. To keep you...to keep you..."

"To keep you sane, Mulder. For that, they needed someone of complete integrity and honesty. And such a person could never know the real facts. She'd denounce them right away if she did."

Mulder nodded. "And what about you? Why did they send you in?" I winced at the anger in his eyes.

"She...she was too good. And too smart. And far too loyal to you. They needed someone else. Someone with less integrity. Someone..."

"Were you their whore, Krycek? Did they order you to go to bed with me?"

I shook my head. "They never knew what we were from me. They...they were hoping. They thought that that would be the way to control you. I lied to them. Told them that you..."

"Did you...did you get Scully abducted?"

"Indirectly. I wanted her...I was jealous. But not gone. I knew better...that's why I ran when she was taken. You were too loyal to her. You always will be. You...love her."

"She's my partner. I need to trust her. And she's my best friend. What do you expect? Damn it, Walter, don't look that way. You're my lover. You're my life. But Scully...like Krycek says. She's my anchor. And *he* had her taken." He tried to leave Skinner's arms, but they'd tightened around him. "Let me go, you son of a bitch!"

"I won't let you hurt him, Fox. He...not here, not now."

"He got Scully...she nearly died because of him." I could feel those eyes burn into me. I had to stop myself from moving into the corner of the bed.

"I never intended that to happen. It was an idiotic thing to do. Believe me, Mulder. That was the last thing I wanted..."

"What did they want?"

"To keep an eye on you. To keep you off the track. To...watch you. I never stopped watching you."

"That's why you're here, isn't it? You were watching us?"

I nodded. "I had to. It was my choice."

"What else? What is going on?" He closed his eyes and leaned back on Skinner. "Okay. Gibson Praise was successful. He was a telepath. I'm not one, or at least I'm not now."

"You were meant to be." He twisted to look at Skinner. "You were meant to be a telepath. A telepath would know who was an alien or infected by the black oil. You were meant to be the front line of defense."

"I was a failure."

"You were...not what they wanted."

"How do you know this, Skinner?" I rubbed my left shoulder, just above the stump. I was cold; I wanted to cross my arms.

"I was thoroughly briefed. I've known about Fox since...since I was given the X-files. I was told never to let him...you know."

"Who told you?" Mulder's voice was little more than a whisper, and he still leaned against Skinner, but he sounded betrayed and hurt.

"Your father."

"My father? *Him*?"

"Yes. And when Bill Mulder says something, you do it. Even after he's dead."

"Bill Mulder is *not* my father. Cancerman, Spender, he's my father."

"All I know is that he called me and told me to 'Watch out for the boy, but don't let him know why.' And so I did. Whatever he was to you, Fox, he cared."

"He only cared that I was a *failure*. I was *born* a failure." He drew his legs up and wrapped his arms around them. Then he began to rock in Skinner's arms. I shivered.

"You were not what they expected, but you were not a failure. If Bill had opened his eyes, he'd have seen that. Spender did."

"I'm not a telepath. If I were meant to be one, I'd have had better control. I'm a failure. A failed lab rat. How appropriate."

"You're brilliant. You're beautiful. And God only knows where you got it, but you are among the most compassionate men. If you'd chosen to practice, you'd have been a fine therapist. Any father would have been proud."

"He got it because he wasn't a failure."

Both men looked at me. "Bill Mulder and CBG Spender were idiots. They didn't see what they had, or what they were destroying. You know I'm telling the truth."

Mulder blinked slowly. "You are. How do I know that?"

"You know what I feel on some level. You were meant to be telepathic, but you came out an empath."

"I'm *not*. I...Walter!" He twisted completely around and buried his head in Skinner's chest. Walter stroked his back gently and looked at me, as if to ask if I were sure. I nodded. He gave Mulder a small kiss on his neck, and then frowned. Then he nodded back.

"Fox..."

"I can't...I don't know what's going on. Too much. You love me, Krycek?"

"For all the good it's done me, yes." I couldn't keep the bitterness out of my voice.

"I'm sorry. God knows...oh, God, if something happened to you because of me...it did. You got shot; you got framed...you got those *things* in your blood...*you* put them there." He glared at me and then looked away. "I'm a curse. I hurt everyone I love, or cause them to be hurt, or to hurt each other...and why? I'm a *failure*." He tore himself out of Skinner's arms and curled up on the floor.

Both of us got out of bed and crouched next to him. "I had to do it. It was that or let someone else control them, Mulder. And someone else would have killed him. I...would never let anyone have that control." I looked at Skinner as I said this. He nodded at me and stroked my arm.

"Fox...it's all worth it. These last few months, all of it."

"I've brought you nothing but pain."

"No...you've brought me joy. And love. And your face when I wake up in the morning, those times it's there."

He turned his head away. "And Scully? What did I bring her? Cancer, sterility...death?"

"Ask her. Ask her how she values your friendship, your way of looking at the world. Ask her if she regrets seeing her views expanded. She didn't have to be your partner when she came back. I told her she could go where she wanted. She *chose* to come back to you. Think about that, Fox."

He shook his head. "And Krycek? What about you?"

I was silent.

"Alex?"

"I used to think I'd give my life for this country. And then it was this planet. And then I met you. And I realized that I didn't give a damn about anything else - and that you were the key for both. Both of you. So, what's an arm? I'm alive and you're alive and that's what counts." I sat down on the floor and wrapped my arm around him. He didn't flinch.

Walter joined us on the floor, and once again, I was engulfed in his strength and his love for Mulder, feeding my own need. I had no idea where we were going, but I didn't want to leave Wonderland just then.

Copyright 2000 Debra Fran Baker and NightRoads Associates

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